I don't know... I'm trying to stay happy but it's slipping again... luckily orange is the new black is out and I can distract myself with that and the thought that running up to and hugging my bby in 3 months is going to be electrifying.., I can't fucking wait... Anyway... I had 2 dreams whilst I was asleep... the first I barely remember but I remember it was confusing and slightly upsetting... I think it might have been something to do with my ex... oh well... the second dream, a guy wanted help to I helped him and he essentially kidnapped me by putting his arm round me and dragging me away... we just walked and walked and he was trying to get to know me... as if he was interested in me... so I just in the dream stayed calm and went along with it.. the last thing I remember was the end of the dream where I messaged B and told her everything that had happened and how I was only there with him because I was scared... I guess it's my brains way of showing me that I genuinely cannot get with someone else... it would be cheating.. I'm never going to cheat... I have everything I need right in front of me... so yeah that's my night and my head isn't doing so well this morning... I have band later so lots of distractions...
B is going away for the weekend and I'm glad! She's going to get some time to relax and get her head on straight again... I pray she keeps me in mind and still writes to me... I just need to know what she's doing... when I get a new entry from her it's like the world starts spinning again for a moment... it's proof she's thinking of me and when my head gets blurry and I start to think she's not there... she fixes it... she always does and that's why I'm stronger with her ☺️. When we are back together again in person... we'll have to get to know each other again... to get back into the swing of our relationship... I was thinking about that last night... how incredible that we get to fall in love with each other all over again... ☺️ I'll update in a bit 💜 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Update 15:32 Missing B so much... She's literally all I can think about... I wish I could take my mind off of her... I just need to hear that she's holding on and I need to hear how much she needs this... 😔
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
That picture is me and my bby I was at hers for a while... just looking through all of these pictures and seeing things like this make me so happy... her hand... she's just holding onto me, curled up and safe... we make each other feel so safe and warm. She's beautiful and she's kind and she cares about everyone so much and trying to please everyone and it leads her to do things she doesn't want to and it hurts her when she can't please everyone or when there is no right thing to do... and that's just the proof that she is truly kind and pure... she's not perfect... she makes mistakes and gets stressed and irritated... but we all do! I've made so many mistakes and I'm learning in time to forgive myself and to come to terms with what I've done and how it's hurt people... I'm paying for my actions by being away from her but it won't be for long and when we are back together, she'll get to see me as I am! In truth! With no fears or worries of hurting anyone around me... we'll get to fight together for the life we both want and I'll get to see her with her friends and be with them and we'll get to go places, do things! Eventually I'll get to be with her family and I'll feel a part of it again. It all comes in time and I just have to wait... and know that's she's waiting. As soon as I get consolation from her or from my own head if I have to that she's waiting, I'll be able to focus on healing myself and fully and finally putting to rest my past and being a better person! Going through life not hurting anyone or getting anyone into trouble... I'm working on it! I'm already a huge amount of the way there and though this distance is hard! She's worth every fucking second! Our life is worth every second... I hope she has an amazing weekend
