The Death Snackers

I'm tipsy and tired so here

Every chapter of this fic is a new horcrux splitting up my soul. Yes I'm immortal but at what cost?!?!??!

Because of plot convenience, it was almost Valentine's Day, and Severus was planning something special, mainly because he really liked sitting broodily in his chair with parchment spread out across the table, making little notes and saying "hmm" to himself. Let's be real, Sev is a plotter. Fortunately, Sev had managed to narrow it down to two romantic excursions, one to Hogsmede for a cozy trip to the tea shops and a cheeky whiz around Zonkos joke shop; and the other a dangerous, possibly deadly mission for a Voldemort. Sev just couldn't decide which was more romantic.

This was serious.

This called for the help of Sirius And Remus (The Best Bros In Brolands) Romantic Advice (tm)

After supper, while the rest of the Slytherins headed off to the common room, Sev skulked outside the broom cupboard that he knew Remus and Sirius would be having a quick snog in (if you can't snog your friends who can you snog?). He'd been prepared, bringing earplugs to block out any noises he might here, and some snacks because he might get hungry.

Several hours and and a few traumatising noises no earplugs could blot out later, Remus and Sirius tumbled out of the Best Friend Cupboard (tm) to see Severus waiting patiently for them, mouth full of dolly mixtures.
"Muggle sweets huh?" Said Remus, trying to flatten his hair from where it was sticking up at odd angles, "Lily buy those for you?"

Severus nodded, his mouth full. "They're good" was what he wanted to say, but his mouth was full so it was more like "'ey're goob".

Remus nodded, "I like them, but I wouldn't them- they have palm oil in."

Severus was horrified. "They don't!" He gasped, almost dropping the packet.
Remus nodded gravely "I'm afraid so," he said "it really is a dreadful shame."

Severus looked at the remaining dolly mixtures, barely able to believe that items so delicious could contain something so evil. This was an outrage, he would have to speak to Lily about this.

"Snivellous what do you want?" Sirius voice cut through Sev's thoughts, and he scowled.
"I came here because I know you're really good friends-"

"We're best friends!" Interrupted Sirius, wrapping an arm around Remus.

"Yeah yeah, best friends, anyway I need romantic advice."

"Get a hair transplant, a personality transplant, and some plastic surgery, then maybe we can help you- ow Remus was that strictly necessary!" Sirius rubbed his side where Remus had elbowed him.

Remus smiled at Sev "how can we help?" He asked.

"Uhh.. so I have two date ideas for Valentine's Day but uhh.."

"Say no more!!" Yelled Sirius. Yelling was completely unnecessary but he did it anyway. "You should definitely go for whichever is more exciting- if there's no adrenaline there's no point."

Sev pondered this for a moment. So a deadly mission Valentine's Day.... He had a lot of plotting to do.