The firefighter's smile

Chapter Fifteen

"There were plenty of signs. Dozen of them and I didn't see any of them" Shay said, drinking another shot of vodka with Kendra, a great friend of her.

"Beating yourself up won't change anything, Leslie." This latter replied.

"I was the only person he trusted. He told it himself."

"Leslie, this isn't a question of trust. This huge situation probably got worsed when Darden died. All the firehouse was grieving. Maybe he didn't want to put more concern on you guys. Or he was anxious about how you would have perceived him." The doctor continued.

"He was angry and irritable every day, at everybody's throat for nothing. He didn't sleep during his shift since Charlotte's accident and he was barely eating." Shay added. "He was reckless as never and self-loathing. There were all the signs: I should have seen them."

"You aren't listening to what I'm saying: are you?"

Maureen Johnson, one day, said: guilt is a weight that will crush you whether or not you deserve it or not. She wasn't wrong. Guilt appears without warning and tores everything apart, every good thought, every good deed. Everything seems suddenly wrong. You don't think straight anymore. You are reluctant to enjoy life. You are punishing yourself for things you may not be responsible for.

It's this feeling that was overwhelming all the firehouse. While Shay was drinking her weight in alcohol, Herrmann was starring at the ceiling, torturing himself.

"You need to sleep, Christopher" Cindy murmured.

"I can't stop thinking about Kelly."

"Unfortunately, neither I nor you can't change what happened. The worst almost happened. However, now, he is receiving the help he needs.

"He was there every day and I only realized today how helpless he felt."

"He'll be alright but for that, he'll need his friends, his family."

"I'm not quite sure to be able to face him again. I shouldn't have let him dow."

"Avoiding him won't change anything. Anyway, I planned on going to see him tomorrow at this hospital and to bring him some cookies."

"Milk chocolate and caramel."

"Yeah, those. You should come with me."

"You're right. I'm coming with you."

As promised during the night, Christopher accompanied his wife to the bedside of his colleague. Since six in the morning, Cindy has been up and cooking for one of her favorite firefighters after Herrmann, of course.

On the way to Med, Herrmann was stressed, nervous, petrified even.

When they arrived, it's already ten in the morning. They were greeted by Charly and Wallace.

"Kelly went to his appointment with Doctor Charles," Charly announced. "God, what am I smelling?"

"Cindy made cookies for Severide."

"It smells so good! If he doesn't want them, I'm taking it!" Smith smiled and suddenly she remembered it. She remembered the first time she inhaled this scent.

"Don't be nervous!" Kelly explained after to have knocked on the white door of Herrmann's house.

"I am officially meeting one of the people who love you as her child and you are asking me not to be nervous. You are funny!" Charlotte retorted ironically.

"Cindy is an angel and her cookies are the best in the world," he said just before the door opened.

"Kelly!" Cindy greeted him, hugging him. "Don't you introduce me to this young lady?"

"Yes, sorry. Cindy this is Charlotte, my girlfriend. Charlotte this is Cindy, Herrmann's wife."

"Nice to meet you, Cindy. But I prefer Charly and this moron knows that."

"I am a moron?" He shot faking to be offended.

"Yes but you are my moron" she replied, offering him her best smile.

In another room, three floors higher, Severide was facing Daniel Charles. He didn't think he was ready for this. Hell, he probably never would be if he constantly refused to do it. The room was on mute.

"Why don't you start by telling me what is wrong?" the psychiatrist tried.

"I am what's wrong and there nothing I can do about it," Kelly mumbled.

"How's that?"

"I just wanna be numb." He added, avoiding the question.

"Why?"

"Because I'm so sick of being in pain constantly."

"Are you in pain right now?"

"Mentally, I'm agonizing." He admitted to Doctor Charles surprise. "Every person once in my life left. Every person I cared about is gone."

"About your colleagues?"

"I pushed them away and they did so. It's for the best anyway. Because if I'm not hurting myself, I'm hurting everyone around me. I'm just a burden."

"That's not true."

"Yeah? My best friend died because of me, I hold Matt responsible for that, I abused of my relationship with Shay to have pain med. It would have been better for everyone if..."

"If what? I did you to say it, it's important."

And then, the Squad 3 Lieutenant broke down, sobbing, mumbling things incoherently.

"Make it stop. Please, make it stop!" He begged.

"I promise you, Kelly, everything will be fine again but I did you to make me a promise too. Can you promise me not to give up, to continue the fight?" Doctor Charles asked, putting a supportive head on the firefighter's shoulder.

This latter nodded simply, whipping the tears away and trying to keep the ones that threating to come down at bay.

"You have done the major part. Asking for help is the major part."