The firefighter's smile

Chapter Sixteen

The path to rehabilitation is difficult. Everybody knows that. It's a series of high and low. However, for some down moments seems to last longer than great ones. 

After his first appointment with Doctor Charles, this latter decided to prescribe him sleeping pills, because sleepless nights weren't helping at all. However, before to prescribe him anti-depressant pills, he wanted to discuss a bit more with the fireman, to understand what was going on in his head. He quickly realized that it's going to be harder than he thought. Firstly, because his depression was, not only the result of the death of his best friend and the sudden departure of Charly but also because of the abandonment issues, Kelly developed during his childhood. Secondly, because the Squad's 3 Lieutenant wasn't one to talk about his feelings.

Doctor Charles took notice of those abandonment issues when after one precise visit, Severide shut down completely.

Two days ago.

It was one of those days, where waking up wasn't feeling too hard, too hurtful. He was feeling fine, not one hundred percent fine, but better than before. As always Charlotte was there with him, since the first minutes of visiting hours. She would accompany him to his physical therapy session, would leave for ten minutes to buy them more comestible food and would come back.

However, during those ten minutes, Kelly received the visit of his firehouse family.

"What's up?" Kelly asked.

"Well, Otis and Mouch are still at each other throat..." Casey started.

"We got a new Lieutenant."

"How's he?"

"He's the best!" Capp responded without thinking before to add "I mean, he's a good replacement."

"Yeah..." Severide mumbled, looking down.

They discussed for ten minutes after that but quitted quickly when a call came in. One of the nurses on shift benefited of him being alone to check on him and make sure that he needed anything.

"Can you make sure that nobody came in? I'm tired and wanna sleep." He asked her, lying on the real reason.

"Yes, sure. Rest well." She smiled, before closing the door of his room.

Since those two days, nobody came visiting him. Not even Charly. The only person, despite the nurse, he accepted to see was Doctor Charles. 

"How are you feeling today, Kelly?" This latter asked, at the beginning of their session. 

The firefighter shrugged, looking to the view from the window. 

"I heard that you refused visits for a couple of days. Why?"

"They're fine without me," Severide replied.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm useless, that's what I mean. They have another Lieutenant and they like him: he is the best according to them." He spilled out, angrily. "But don't worry doc. I'm used to it."

"Used to what exactly?"

"Not being enough." He said quietly.

"Why do you think you are not enough?"

"I wasn't good enough for my father to stay, I wasn't good enough for my mom because I was too much like him. I wasn't good enough for my ex-girlfriends for not cheating on me. I wasn't good enough for Charlotte to stay, and I am not good enough for my friends." Kelly responded, looking down at his hands.

"You are enough, Kelly. You just need to see it." Daniel started. "Charlotte has been there since the first day you came in. Your friends are worried, they called when you refused to see them. You are enough for the people you rescued, for the one you helped."

"I don't feel like it" he admitted.

"The truth is that since you're a kid, people made you feel like it: your dad, your mom and you have internalized it. Now, today, you don't feel enough and you've learned to distance you from people because of this feeling. But, everyone isn't like the persons that made you feel not enough." Doctor Charles explained. "Your colleague, Capp, he called me."

"What?"

"He called me because he felt bad about he said to you. To you think he meant it?"

"Maybe."

"The answer is no. He didn't mean it. What he meant is that the new Lieutenant is a great replacement and firefighter. He didn't mean that he doesn't want you as his Lieutenant anymore."

"If I can be Lieutenant again."

"Since we start working on your issues, you improved in therapy. It's just a question of time and motivation. You can't move a mountain if you refuse to endure the pain of climbing it." Daniel retorted.

Doctor Charles succeeded to ring some bell. At the end of the day, he called Charlotte and apologized to her. 

"You can just push me away when you are not feeling good. I need this proximity with you as much as you do." Smith confessed. "You're the owner of my memories, Kelly." 

"I am truly sorry, Charly. I... I cannot express how much I'm thankful to have you by my side and... if you need me to share with you some of those memories, you know where to find me." He concluded.