Peter Pan and Tinkerbell (Kim Namjoon/RM Fanfiction)

GOODBYE

7th October 2023

I tried, I really did. I tried to find a reason to live. People might call me idiot because there is so much more than a crush in one's life. But I don't think I can do it, I'd rather be called an idiot.

After the wedding I gave myself a break from everything and went on a vacation, maybe trying to find a will. But in the end I returned home being the same.

By this time I'm determined that I should end my suffering. But there's just one last thing I maybe wanted to do for long but couldn't because I'm such a coward. Although I'm very much sure it won't change the fact that I'm leaving but maybe? Maybe Namjoon likes me?

You could say it's a very bad choice but I wanted to experience what it feels like to confess to someone.

I called You to meet up whenever you could, you agreed.

___________________________

I was sitting on a bench and waiting for you outside our kindergarten school. Yes, it is cliche to meet up here, when it could be the last time. You suggested this place, it wasn't me. It was close to where we lived so why not? You don't know what I planned.

You came and greeted me, then asked what's the important thing I wanted to tell.
It was hard for me to say.

I stood up and started out, "What I'll say next might really effect our relationship but at this point I don't really care. So I want you to be prepared for it and not get weirded out by it, since I'm also a human and I have right for it." you cut me off by laughing and said "You are making it so dramatic. I'm sure it isn't that serious. I'm okay, now tell me. Fast!"

I didn't laugh and said "It is really something serious and I'm sure you can't see it coming but here it goes." I took a deep breath and said "I love you Kim Namjoon."

You rolled his eyes and said "I know that, you idiot. Tell me something I don't know."

I was already really scared, it was a lot harder than expected. But I composed myself and said "I am tired of getting friendzoned by you, Namjoon. I know it won't matter now but I wanted to get this off my chest. I have had a crush on you since middle school, I really love you, not as a friend but as a man."

I look at you, your face expressed that you were really shocked, it also had a hint of disappointment.

Since you didn't say anything I continued, "I am not saying to like me back or something cause I know it's something next to impossible. I wanted to be selfish so I'm taking this risk to ruin what we had knowing it won't develop to other kind of relationship. I wanted to know what it felt like to confess your feelings, since I never did. Whole life I've spent being a coward." a chuckled a little and wiped my tears.

I handed you a bag, you took it being confused. I told, "Here are some memories of us and some personal stuff of mine I want you to keep. I don't want to keep it with me anymore. You can either keep it or burn it, by chance by this time I disgust you."

I check my watch and said "I think I should leave. And if you still have a doubt, I'm not joking."

I hug you and whisper "Goodbye Kim Namjoon. Thank you for everything, thanks for existing."

You break the hug and said "Why are you saying goodbye?" I replied "You won't be seeing me anymore, I'm leaving for good. Stay happy with your family and friends."

You had tears in your eyes and my tears were already flowing while my eyes were red.

You asked me "Where are you going?" I replied "Somewhere better." You finally burst out crying and hugged me tightly while saying "Please don't leave."

I patted his back while I was crying myself "I am really sorry for being this selfish Joon. I don't want to be a burden on you anymore. Nor do I want to suffer anymore. I don't blame you for it, it's just my mistake to fall for the wrong guy."

I broke the hug this time and said "I seriously need to leave or I won't be able to." you grabbed my hands and said "Then don't!"

I asked you "Don't you want me to be happy?" you nod and then I said "Then let me go. Trust me, I'm doing it for the best, for both of us."

You let go of my hands and said "I am sorry." I took a step back and said "I don't ever want you to feel sorry me or guilty for it. It was never your fault. Promise me that. And also that you will live happily with your wife and future kids. If not I will be really hurt knowing that I really decided the wrong thing to confess to you."

I held up my pinky finger and you interwine his finger and then we join our thumb, you said between your sobs "I promise."

I smile and then turn my back at you walking away. I never looked back.

_________________

I reached my home long ago and was crying for the last time. I have called everyone I could think of just casually asking about their life and how it was going. I wanted to talk to the people I love for the last time. I couldn't help but to cry when I called my parents. I'm just a disappointment to them throughout my whole life. They did so much for me and in the end I'm rewarding by letting them witness their child die.

I take the blade from my drawer while I was crying without a break after I was done talking.

And without a second thought, I run it through my skin several times really deep. I could feel that it was really the end of me.

This is really how I ended up.
Finally I can be free.
I had a flashback of my 29 year old life. Everything since the begining from where I could remember.
It was beautiful yet really painful.
And just while thinking about it I lost my senses. And soon I couldn't feel anything.

Bye Joonie, I will love you forever.
It was all in my faith.

A/n
I'm sorry I'm constantly using self harming in my book.
And it's so childish but I cried while writing this chapter.