Rivetra weekend 2019

Burden

AN: WARNING! SUICIDE ATTEMPT! Read at your own risk!

He's not in love. He is NOT, he kept telling to himself. But every time he sees her, every time she smiles, his heart dances.

I'm not in love. I am not.

Love means burden in this world. The world where Titans pray and they are soldiers. If only they were ordinary man and woman, living in the same town of Wall Rose. If only they could meet ordinary, like an ordinary man and woman. On a street, on a dance party, in a bar, in a shop. Anywhere would be fine. They would fall in love and build their family together. Their own house, living peacefully, children running around them. They would worry and be scared about fate of Humanity, but they would leave it to the Military, to the Survey Corps. Neither of them would be a soldier.

But dreams would never come true. He is a man devoted to fighting, freeing Humanity of Titans that lure outside, devouring every human that comes to them. It's a burden.

Love will cause him burden and make him weak. He doesn't want that. He can't risk worrying about a single soldier and leaving others in danger.

Despite the soft look in golden eyes, her love she held for him, he was sane enough. He himself would be a burden for her. If he's in a trouble, she could disobey his orders which can lead into disaster.

And if one of them dies, the burden of guilty will hunt them forever. Hard training, strong bones, their shoulders are too weak to handle.

Neither said anything. Better like this. Alone with each emotion.

Levi locked them inside, resisting her smiles, her rosy cheeks and lovely voice. He wrapped the ice around his soul, even the sun in her eyes couldn't melt it. His strength was unconditional.

While he was staring at her lifeless body against a tree and later lying on a dirty ground, wrapped in those dirty covers, he didn't say anything.

If I regret, it would be the dead of me.

Only proof she was alive, was an amblem on her chest. He took it in a state of blank mind, not having a control over his own body. Why is he taking it? What good it would bring him? He didn't know. Desperate need to keep something hers controlled him, unbeknownst to him.

His pained face when her body hit the ground and rolled for Titans to eat, he felt something in his chest and throat. He isn't in love. He is not.

He was.

Once they stopped, he approached the brat responsible for this. Because of him and his friends, they had to abandon all those bodies. He was angry, furious. It took all of his self control to not stangle him. To kill him with his bare hands for making them abandon bodies of his comrades, bodies of brave soldiers, her body in exchange of just one body of his friend. Instead, he reached in his pocket and gave him an amblem he took from Petra. Not because he felt some compassion for the guy, but because he felt that tiny piece of cloth made his soul heavy, even if it was empty.

How selfish I am. Just making thing easier for me, he thought.

That night he wrote a note. A note of forgiveness, begging for understanding. Ink was dripping from the pen as his half-closed eyes held calmness in them. His hands gripped around the knife he was holding against his throat, its tip already pierced his skin and a line of blood went down his throat, staining his white shirt. He wasn't wearing his cravat, feeling last piece of his mother's shirt shouldn't be stained with the blood of her sinful son. The son who is going to take his own life because of his pride and cold hearth.

Warm blood melted the ice around his heart slowly and so his mind. As ice melted, it runned up to his eyes and down his cheeks in a form of a bitter, salty water. His hands were shaking. So shaking. Blood slid down the blade of a knife and dripped down on the letter, just under the place where he wrote his name.

Letting out a loud cry, he threw the knife on the floor and fell from the chair on his knees. The knife was only a meter away from him, but he didn't dare to look at it.

What a scum I am.

He made himself suffer even more. Not able to hold the burden of love, he gained a burden of her death. Wanting to ease himself, he wanted to take his own life. It was the same when he gave that brat her amblem. He can't be like this; he must continue on living even if it seems impossible. This is the time for mourning and he'll mourn, but not like this. The life he lives isn't great, it's full of constant suffering and pain, he loses dear people, but nothing is more important than continuing with living. Better times will come, he was sure. After this, he'll go and talk with Erwin, Hanji or anyone who will listen. He needs to talk. He needs this burden to fall off his chest.

When he heard someone running towards his room and slamming the door open, he didn't look up from the floor.

"Levi?" he heard Erwin's worried voice. Just when he kneeled before him and took his shoulders, Levi looked at his friend.

"What were you doing?"

Erwin immediately noticed the blood on Levi's neck and a bloody knife caught his attention. He stood to grab Levi's cravat and went back to him, wiping the blood from his neck without Levi complaining. He didn't say anything.

"Look at me," Erwin said when he finished.

Erwin was tense and scared and the look in his friend's eyes didn't relieve him from stress either. Levi saw the look in Erwin's eyes that said: "Why have you done this?" His body started shaking and he grabbed Erwin's forearms like it was the last thing he could hold onto.

"I thought love will be a burden... but after she died... it became bigger... it hurts... it hurts... so... damn much!" he sobbed.

"... I was on the way to your room to give you this," Erwin said and took Levi's hand, placing something in it. It took Levi a while to register with his blurry eyes an amblem with Wings of Freedom. Recognizing it, he stared at Erwin in disbelief.

"How did you...?"

"That solider who you gave it to, said he knows it didn't belong to his friend. He feels quilty for what he's done and sends this for you to hold. He believes it's from the person dear to you," he said with symphaty towards Levi.

Levi's hands shook. He brought an amblem to his lips and kissed it.

"I'll never forget. Never."

Erwin pulled him in a hug, trying to soothe him. Levi cried silently and gripped the amblem to his chest like his life depends on it.

Eren peeked into Captain's room. He heard his cry and rushed to as fast as his legs allowed it. He found a crying Captain in Commander's arms. The scene confused him and when he noticed a bloody knife, blood on Captain's shirt and bloody cravat on the floor, it formed into fear. He wanted to enter and help Captain and ask what's going on, but his eyes caught the amblem he was holding over his chest.

Dread filled Eren. In that moment, all missing pieces came together and formed a puzzle of horror. His stomach turned, his legs trembled. He covered his mouth, tears running from his eyes like waterfalls.

"What have I done?" he whispered. 

Hard training, strong bones, their shoulders are too weak to handle.

Hard training, strong bones, his shoulders are too weak to handle.

He knew that will be a burden he'll bear to the rest of his life.

AN: My first time writing prompts, sooo... yeah, not very good. Despite, I hope you enjoyed. Hehe.