Mind gone astray - frerard

1. incoherent thoughts

Friday

Death. The inevitable fate. The one thing all humans fear. Some say they don't, but they're lying. Every animal on earth is afraid to die. It's part of our survival instinct. Our self-preservation, if you prefer. This stupid behavior we all suffer from. But we can't preserve ourselves forever and that brings us back to the first thing I said: death is inevitable. No matter how hard you try, you can't escape it. Even I can't. All things come to an end. Everything is temporary. The blood stains on the soft feathers of that dead bird on the floor are temporary, they'll disappear one day just like the rest of the world. That's why I'm drawing that bird. Well, trying to. But there is so much wind that my hair is getting in my face and I can't see my sketch pad. Maybe I should cut it. It might be a little too long. But I like it that way. And besides, with my bangs to my nose I can't see all the stupid faces of all the stupid people that go to school with me. Well, lately, that have been going to school without me, seeing as I ditched most of the first trimester. Well, most of the first part of the first trimester, since it's only fall. Oh, my mind is wandering again. It's been doing that a lot lately. I mean, more than before. I can't concentrate on anything anymore, because I get lost in my thoughts. That's why I didn't go to school today, actually. Because I couldn't sleep last night. You see, the less I sleep, the more coffee I drink ; the more coffee I drink, the more manic I am, and the more my thoughts are disorganized and incoherent. Which makes it even harder for me to concentrate. I think I just felt a raindrop on my hand. I should start packing my stuff. It's already five so I think I should start going back home. Mom will be waiting for me and she'll probably know I skipped classes today. Good thing it's Friday. I'm probably going to spend the whole weekend locked in my room finishing the drawing of the dead bird. Which is fine with me. I don't like talking to people anyway. I don't like doing that to Mikey though. He deserves a better brother than me. He deserves the brother I used to be, I guess. But I can't be that brother anymore. I don't really know why. It's just not me. And there's nothing I can do about it. I do miss myself sometimes, though. I used to be a much better person. I don't really understand what changed. I just slowly stopped sleeping and eating until I was completely insane and delusional. And alone. But I don't really care though. I prefer being alone now. I fling my bag on my shoulder as the rain starts pouring. It takes me half an hour to run home, and when I get there I'm soaked and exhausted. I go straight to my room and strip to my underwear. I need some coffee. And a cigarette. I pull on an oversized shirt that reeks of old alcohol and make my way to the kitchen. I barely glance at my brother sitting at the kitchen table, leaning over his homework. I don't want to talk right now. Actually I don't want to talk ever. I love my brother but I'm just not much of a talker, and he knows that. I pour myself a cup of coffee and light a cigarette. Mom doesn't seem to be home so I can smoke inside without her telling me off.

"Hey, Gee..?" a little voice says behind me.

I sigh and snap my head around so I can look at my brother. When he doesn't say anything I raise my eyebrows and he blinks before taking a breath.

"I, uh, mom left while you were at school. She - she went to the hospital, Gerard.." I frown and he swallows. "She went to see Helena. The hospital called and - and.. Well she told me they said she had to come as soon as possible because.. I'm sorry Gee, I think.."

He breaks off and I try to focus on a spot on the table, blinking to keep the tears from coming. The whole room is spinning and my head aching. I drop my cigarette and it burns my leg. No, it couldn't - Helena can't be dying. Helena can't be leaving this world without saying goodbye. I realize I haven't spoken to her since she went to the hospital. Which was five months ago. I haven't spoken to her in five months. Actually, I haven't spoken to anyone in five months. I take a deep, shaky breath before breaking my silence.

"We have to go there, Mikey. We have to go see her."

My brother's eyes widen and he looks stunned for a bit, opening and closing his mouth. He finally shakes his head before looking down at his feet.

"We - we can't. Mom doesn't want us there. She - she doesn't want me there and she wants you to stay at home and take care of me. I'm sorry Gee.."

I stare at him for a minute. He's only fourteen, I realize. He's only fourteen and his grandmother is dying. He looks so young and vulnerable. I suddenly can't keep the tears in and I start crying silently, slamming my fists against the kitchen counter.

"We have to go there.." I repeat softly.

We have to say goodbye, I think to myself. I have to say goodbye. Mikey carefully reaches out and touches my shoulder, but I shrug his hand away and run off to my room. It's not fair. Death. Death is not fair. Of all the people in the world, why her? I think about the little bird, lying on the cold hard ground. She'll end up just like it. We'll all end up just like it. And eventually we'll disappear and slowly fade into oblivion.

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Is it strange that my eyes watered when I wrote this? Anyway, here's the first chapter, hope you like it and thanks for reading! xo