Smile Beautiful (Theo James fanfic)

Chapter 18

Theo,

        I honestly don't know what I'm doing right now. I mean, yeah, I'm writing this letter, but I don't know why. Maybe it'll occur to me while I'm writing this; I don't know.

        You might not know this, but I know that you came over the other day. I heard the sound of your voice echoing through the hallway, your countless thumps on the door, and the sound of your footsteps leaving me.

        For the past couple of weeks, I found myself hiding in a dark place. I've been surrounding myself with negativity and plugging my ears with sad songs. 

        Please know that this isn't happening to me because of you or my dad. 

       There's one question that I know you're dying to hear the answer of. Why? I wish that I could tell you.

        The little things get me thinking about everything. Today I thought of things that I prayed to never remember. I relived my worst memories today and it still feels as if they took place this morning. 

        Does this surprise you? I bet it does. When I hang out with you, Ansel, or Shai, I put on a plastic smile and act like everything is going perfectly. Sure, you guys ask many questions.

        '"Are you okay?"

        '"Do you need anything?"

        "Are you sure that you're fine?"

        Like usual, I answered with the oh-so-famous words.

        "I'm fine."

        The thing is, you all believed me. I'm a good actress huh?

       You probably thought that you knew everything about me, and I thought that I knew everything about you. Obviously, that's not the case. There's one thing that I want you to know about me. 

        Before I tell you I want to apologize. I'm sorry for throwing all of these memories from the past right back at you. I feel like whenever you came over you were just comforting me like I was a five-year-old. 

        All of these things that have happened to me sounds too fake to be true. I just wish it was. 

     Theo, I have situational depression. You most likely not know what this is so I'll just tell you. Situational depression is caused by a traumatic experience, death of a loved one, break ups, and really anything else. 

        This type of depression doesn't effect a person for too long, but it honestly varies from the person.

       I was diagnosed with it during my freshman year of high school. I've had it for many years even before then, though. They told me that the fact that my dad was away with the Marines caused it. I believe so too, but the doctors weren't there when I walked through the school halls. They weren't with me when I got shoved into a locker, made fun of, or even the time when I was lucky enough to have items thrown at me for 'fun'. They'll never truly know what I went through, and how I dealt with the pain.

        I could go on forever about my depression and the possible causes for it, but I won't.

        I don't want you to be worried, Theo.

        Well, now I've realized why I'm writing you. 

       I wanted you to know what I was feeling. I needed you to know that I was going to be okay and that I'm not purposely ignoring you.