Miss Grande

Chapter 23: And The Penny Drops

"Camila!! I'm serious!" I grumbled. "It's so important."

"Whatever it is, can it really not wait? I don't want to be late to my class! I heard we have a hot new teacher!"

"That's what this is about!"

That immediately caught her attention. She squealed annoyingly loud and dragged me into the bathroom. She checked that all of the stalls were empty before screaming "Spill!!"

   I sighed and hopped onto the counter top. "So you know Justin?"

   "Mister Perfect? Duh!"

   I began fiddling with my fingers. "He got a new job."

   "That's good though right?"

"He's a teacher." Penny in the air.

"And? Teachers don't get paid nearly enough, but they make a livable wage. Plus, isn't his family rich or something? Anyway, what does this have to do with my new teacher? Cut to the point before I leave you and go to class!"

Oh Camila. "Wait for it to hit."

"Wait for what to- Oh my fuck he's the new teacher!"

"And the penny drops..." I mumbled.

She grabbed my hands and looked up at me. "Really? Good for him for getting a job, but it had to be here? You guys were going to get married and have a family, and now everything is put on pause because Mister Perfect had to go and get a job." She sighed. I was beginning to think this was affecting her a lot more than it was affecting me.

"It's not that big of a deal. Just- I kinda decided I was going to go for him."

"You just decided this? This is the universe slapping you in the face for not realizing that you had everything you needed sooner!"

Ariana was everything I needed.

She continued her argument. "Your dreams were all coming true! You were about to have everything!! Every-Thing," she emphasized.

"Camila that's not what I wanted; it's what you wanted for me!" I snapped. I sighed for probably the 30th time before I went on. "I know that you want what's best for me, but I just want to be happy."

"And weren't you happy with him?"

"I-I'm not sure, okay? I want to be! He put in so much effort. He's cute and sweet and everything most girls only dream of, but he's not what I want."

"So when you say you decided, you meant you were settling?"

"I guess." I dropped her hands from mine and hopped off of the counter, needing to fidget.

"That's selfish. You were not only holding yourself back from happiness, but you were holding him back too! You don't think he has people lined up to be with him? He chose you; he wanted you to be the one to make him happy."

"Don't you think I know this! That's why I wanted to be able to make him happy! I wasn't just settling because I couldn't-" I cut myself off.

   Because I couldn't have what I really wanted. Because I couldn't be with Ariana. Because she wasn't even sure she wanted to be with me.

   "I settled because it was what I thought would be better for him. I wanted him to be happy."

"And you think lying to him would be better?"

"I don't know, okay? I really don't fucking know."

It felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders as the pressure on my chest grew heavier. I despised moments like these where anxiety began to take over. I knew this was a small problem that probably had an easy solution, but I felt overwhelmed. Despite my total mental breakdown and the fact that it felt like everything was crumbling in on me, the world just kept going like nothing was happening which only seemed to fuel the flames of my anxiety. It began to consume me as I stood there, now completely still.

"Oh pumpkin," she hugged me tightly. "It's okay, come back down."

"I want to do what's right, but I don't want to hurt anybody," I mumbled into her shirt.

"Who would you hurt?"

I wanted to tell her so badly. I wanted to spill my guts and just get out that I liked Miss Grande, and that she liked me back. I wanted to explain that we had kissed already, and that I wanted something serious with her, but that she didn't know what she wanted from me.

I knew spilling all of this put everything at risk. Somebody could overhear, and Ariana would go to jail. Camila could judge me, and I'd lose one of my best friend, or even worse: Camila could judge me and be the one to tell.

   As badly as I wanted to get this off of my chest, too much was at risk. To tell her would be more selfish than keeping it hidden from her, so I inhaled deeply.

"Myself," I breathed out.

We stood there in silence. I wasn't sure how long we were there, just hugging, but I felt a lot better about my situation with Justin and a lot more guilty about my situation with Ariana. In the end, it was as big of a win as I was going to get any time soon, so I took it.

"You okay?" Camila asked when I finally pulled away.

"Yeah," I smiled and laughed pathetically. She wiped the tears that I hadn't even realized had slid down my face. "I'll be alright."