Miss Grande

Chapter 25: What Are You Feeling?

I had sent Camila to class before texting Justin, so she could tell me how he reacted. I was still in the bathroom waiting for her text.

After I had been left on read for 5 minutes and had yet to receive any message from her, I gave up and decided I'd need to go to class.

Do I really though? She is definitely going to yell at me for being late. If I don't go, she's going to yell at me at practice, if she decides to start talking to me again.

After weighing my options, I concluded that saying I had an emergency would be an easy bullshit excuse. She probably didn't even notice that I wasn't in class before anyway.

I entered the classroom.

"Grab a paper and take a seat," she said pointing to the front of the room, not even bothering to look up. She didn't ask why I was late which was both good and annoying.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that there is a lot at risk here, but damn, at least give a girl the death stare or something. Hell, I'd even take looking in my general direction.

I sat down and looked at my worksheet. It was a creative writing sheet. Usually they were overly explanatory and walked you through every single step, but this one was simple with only one question typed across the top.

"What are you feeling?"

What am I feeling? I feel as though the one thing I actually want is out of reach. Distance is easier when there is more space, but being distant from something so close is a battle. Constantly fighting between 'right' and 'wrong' instead of focusing on happiness. Having something be so close and still out of reach is maddening.

   I feel that I am not enough. I could give my all, and my all would not let me reach these heights. I could change myself, and that would help nothing. Not being enough hurts, but not being enough because of something out of your control, it burns with a fierce passion.

   So now I turn the question on you. What are you feeling?

   I turned in my worksheet as the bell rang and made my way out of the classroom. As much as I had hoped for it, Miss Grande didn't call me back. She hadn't even looked up from her desk the whole time I was there.

On my way out, I ran into Trent again.

"Hey y/n!"

"Hey Trent." I smiled awkwardly. Since that night at the party, Trent and I hadn't really talked. I guess we decided that we had clicked but more as friends than anything else.

"How have you been?"

"Pretty good, but you know how life is."

He laughed and nodded. "Tell me about it! We're good right?"

"Yeah, of course!"

"Okay good because I can't talk to the guys about these things. Do you have a second?"

"Yeah." I smiled, genuinely this time. "Anything for a friend."

The smile on his face grew, and he gently held on to my arm to pull me through the traffic and to the side of the hall. "Relationships are ridiculous!" he exclaimed.

"Oh my fuck, tell me something I don't know!"

He laughed at my outburst. "I'm glad somebody else gets it."

"Like, why do I have to be with somebody else? What makes me have the urge to want to feel needed? I just want to be happy not obsessing over being with him or her or whoever else."

"Exactly man! I don't always want to have a girl. I'm chill being by myself. Not on any cocky shit, but I have a literal list of girls waiting to date me. The thing is, though, I'm okay with not being with somebody, but I'm suddenly a dick for making them wait. Like, feel free to move on. I'm not holding you back from anything. If you can be happy with somebody else, by all means, go be happy with someone else!"

   "You need to calm down," I let out a chuckle. "I get where you're coming from. I hate how everybody is always judging and how they feel they have the right to tell you who you can and can't be with and all of that. I just want to be happy."

   He looked at me, his eyes full of empathy, and just stared for a little before saying, "Okay, this is going to sound crazy but hear me out."

   I nodded.

   "Want to fake date?"

   "Come again?" I asked.

   "Well, we talked for a bit. Everybody loved when we were like a 'thing'. I wouldn't have to deal with these girls because I'd have a girlfriend, you, and you wouldn't have to worry about people getting into your business. You'd have me as your boyfriend. Since we are already friends, it would just be us hanging out all of the time, but to everybody else, it would look like we are going out on dates. You would have time to figure yourself out, and I'd have time to just be me."

   I gave him the whole 'are you insane?' face, but honestly what he was saying made a lot of sense.

   "Just, think about it. Okay?"

   "Yeah, I will." I smiled. Trent was a good friend, and I was glad it didn't have to be awkward with us.

   We parted ways as I went to second period.

   Was this a dumb idea? Probably. Honestly though? It may just be dumb enough to work. What exactly did I want? Guess I'll find out.