Dear Stanley [Watty's 2019. Completed]

Preparing

Friday, June 18th

Dear Stanley,

I stole Mom's credit card and phone from her purse when I got back from school.

It wasn't difficult. At first I felt a twinge of guilt, but I smothered it down. I was doing this for us, for her. I was doing this for the sake of my family Stanley.

She was still sleeping and her purse was in her room. I felt so bad, seeing her so little and helpless and a flare of anger sparked within me. Anger towards Dad, anger towards you. Both of you did this to her.

I padded over and saw her purse on the table. I quickly flashed my hand out to get it and crept out of the room.

Once I got her credit card and phone, I booked the flight to New York.

It was official.

There was no going back.

My hand was shaking as I entered the payment options. But every step closer to getting the flight booked gave me a little more relief. I don't know what it was relief from though.

This would also be my first time in an airplane. I couldn't help let the excitement and wonder filter through my sadness and nervousness.

Once I got a confirmation email, I let out a breath and began booking a very cheap motel room near Times Square.

This was it Stanley.

I was going to be seeing you.

Or not seeing you.

I felt a flash of warmth in my brain and a strong vivid image of something. A glimpse of a memory I haven't yet discovered.

It's been the glimpses of the same memory for a long time now. Ever since I found out you did drugs.

I think they are glimpses of the last time I saw you.

I get filled with dread for some reason when I think about it. I want to tell my past self to savor every moment with you. I want to tell my past self to not let you go out the door that day when you left.

I sighed. I hated being here. I was reminded once again how big the house was for only two people.

My fists clenched together and I massaged my head to defeat the headache that was coming. I wanted to punch Dad for leaving the two of us to rot in here. I wanted to punch myself for loving him and hating Mom.

But I had to pack. I couldn't go to New York without packing. I was going to stay there until I understood everything that happened. Until I found you.

I was saddened again by the fact that Breeze wasn't coming with me. I don't know why I thought she would. My idea made no sense at all, I was just going with my gut feeling. But gut feelings aren't always accurate.

This trip could be a waste of money and time. But the thing I was most scared about was that it would shatter me completely. Give me no hope to finding you at all.

And then what would happen? Mom would go into a distraught state? We would be strangers living in the same house? Eventually we'd part ways and live alone without family?

I pushed the negative thoughts away. I needed to go and find you with only hope.

I smiled to myself remembering the times when you were my favorite person in the entire world. When I idolized you and only you.

So much has changed. Lies have been uncovered. Truths have been told. People have evolved and grown.

And now I think it is time that I stop writing to you Stanley and start to pack.