I woke up in tears . I couldn't escape reality , even in my dreams .
The whole world spun around me, while I stood still .
I looked over at my alarm clock :
6.34am
I dreaded the day that school came back . But it was here . And there was no way of escaping . I had to face it . I had to face my pain .
I got up . Got dressed and stared at the clock , after doing my hair it read :
6.55am
Only 5 minutes before I had to leave .
The seconds quickly turned into minutes and before I knew I was walking out the door.
I really didn't wanna go .
Especially because in the school holidays majority of the school burnt down and we were going to be placed in demountables .
But on top of that I had to suffer and watch the girl I love , be with someone else .
I had thought about that all week ..
I would watch them kiss ..
I would watch them hug ..
I would watch THEM fall In love ..
And there was nothing I could do about it.
**
I walked down the street . Each footstep bought me sadness . The aching pain of realizing that I was to late .
But I knew I must carry on .
I waited at the bus stop . It seemed like a matter of seconds before the bus arrived .
I took a deep breathe in as I stepped on the bus .
I looked around .
It was the same five people who were always on the bus .
An old lady , black hair and blue eyes.
Two teenage girls , giggling at the back .
A young boy , looking out the window and of course the bus driver .
And there I was .
Sitting on the bus .
The bus that was bringing me closer to school , closer to reality .
I brought myself to the conclusion that it wasn't meant to be , in fact I was attracted to guys .
That was the only thought that kept me going .
Knowing that one day I would find a guy who would wait a million years for me .
So , I hopped offthe bus .
Every step I took was just as painful as the last .
As I walked in , I thought about seeing my other " friends " and that thought made me smile .
And there they were . My "friends" , all waiting for me in a small ,but efficient group .
As I hugged them I saw her .
I saw Steph looking at me . But she was with her girlfriend .
I looked away . Anger and sadness swept through my body all at once .
I held back the tears but I knew eventually they would be rushing down my face .
And then she came to me .
I put on a fake smile and gave her a hug .
Pretending that I was okay ,only made me feel worse .
I felt like I was lying to her, or worse , lying to myself .
As we talked her girlfriend came up to her and hugged her . I could tell she didn't want me near Steph so I tried to avoid them , going back to my "friends " .
I just wanted it to end . I wanted to be In control of my own pain .
So later that day when I got home .
I did something I'm not proud of .
But I took control over my own pain .
As I watched the blood flow down my wrist , I stopped and I realized what I was doing wasn't going to make her love me .
So I stopped .
Cleaned it up and fell asleep .
Tears running down my cheek .
The pain will go away , I thought , it will all go away .
