Before She Ruled (Before Series, Book 1)

Chapter Nineteen

There was a searing pain in her back, right between her shoulder blades. Directly in the middle of her. When she bent over to collect the dirty clothes the pain grew. When she stood straight to fold the clean ones, it lessened. The pain accompanied the ache that stayed put in her stomach from where Adam had tried to gut her. On the precipice of what should be her strongest moment, Addie's body was weak.

The weeks began to drag on. Addie was stuck in an awkward limbo in every possible way. Not only was she a princess about to break free from working as a housemaid to pursue a life of royalty, but she was also a woman falling in love with a man she could neither have nor even speak to.

She did not know who she was.

The night of the incident with Adam brought forth a poignant realization for Addie. Men held power regardless of what class they were born in. They did nothing to earn that power but instead were granted it by being born with specific anatomy. Women, on the other hand, were consistently bred to be weak, even when they were meant to be strong.

And since that night, reminders constantly assaulted her that even the best of men held a power over her that she couldn't help. Despite being born as second in line for the English throne, a mere footman could overpower her body, and a duke could overwhelm her heart. For about a week, Addie couldn't help but feel a little helpless to it all.

Adam had broken something inside her; she would be the first to admit that. But her broken pieces quickly became a weapon for her, and her alone, to wield. Suffering under his hand and the force of his body only hardened her resolve to go forward with Andrew's plan. She may have been born a woman, but Addie knew she was anything but weak.

Addie did have a voice. A voice that she knew people would listen to.

She didn't know who she was, but Addie knew where she had come from. Her voice was the one she had developed when she was just a young princess, sitting along the garden wall at Bushy House. It was the voice that she had learned from her mother, who had always said and done the right things. It was the voice that her father would have applauded.

And so, in her mind, Addie began to compose a symphony of thoughts that she wanted to be heard. Of ideas that she wanted to be held. And of hopes that she wanted to be hoisted.

Unfortunately, however, Addie's symphony was not loud enough to drown out the thoughts of Theo. When she would see him in the hallways, he would not so much as give her a smile to acknowledge her presence. In fact, he was so cold that Addie had begun to grow legitimately concerned that he was upset with her. She wished to apologize for pushing him away that night in his bedchamber, and to apologize again for keeping him in the dark. But she didn't dare pull him aside to speak to him about it or to find out if he was truly angry.

So she forced herself to put that out of her mind. She could do nothing to either confirm or deny it. But it didn't stop her mind from filling with memories of him. With her. Against her.

Goddammit.

Addie was utterly and shamefully falling in love with Theodore Shepard.

But she wasn't naive enough to believe that there was a future for the two of them. Even if Theo did love her, how could they ever be together? If she remained hidden from the world as she was now, her low rank would keep them apart. And if she is revealed as royalty, everyone close to her would be at risk.

Addie's experiences with men were a hopeless mess. It was something she had accepted long ago. She refused to live her life wishing for something that could never happen. So, during the day while she was cleaning the parlor or changing the sheets, she was able to forget about Theodore Shepard. But it was at night that she couldn't escape him, that she couldn't keep him from her dreams.