My Dearest

??/??/?? - rant

I'm going to rant on here because I can and have no one to talk to.

Now I'm not being dramatic, literally my friends ditch me or they don't want/care to hear my shit. I've literally been calling my cousins because they're the only ones who will hear me out.

I'm fucking done. I really tried to make better friends and then they just fucking leave like I never existed. I try to reach out to them and they hardly respond with one word answers. I try to hang out and they claim they're too busy but then are posting pics of dates with their significant others or are out literally planning road trips and shit with mutual friends.

I really tried. But I can't seem to catch a break. I really haven't had much friend drama. Which is a blessing. But at home drama is such shit. And for the fact that never talk about real problems that are going on at home with people doesn't help.

We're in the process of probably moving. My brother is a piece of shit no matter what we do something is wrong and is somehow our fault. I've literally become so cold and bitchy that everything that I collected that had valuable memories to me I just threw out or donated cause I want a fresh start.

I want to go out and walk around to destress but it's too darn hot. I try to make plans with people but they decide that they're for once too busy after complaining to me that they have nothing to do.

People make empty promises after I give them second chances and I know I shouldn't get my hopes up that they'll keep them but part of me REALLY wants to believe they will. And I'm never surprised when they don't but it doesn't hurt any less.

People don't like me or leave because I'm 'too emo' or 'too negative' or a 'bad influence' when my friends are getting piercings and tattoos and my cousins are smoking and my brother dropped out and my other brother lies to literally any living thing that will listen. And my friends complain about shit that doesn't even matter and yeah okay it might be a big deal to them but in all honesty grow the fuck up and get over it.

I'm the only one that makes an effort to keep my friends and tries to hang out every now and again to get out of the house AND AWAY FROM MY OWN SHIT. And I'll never tell anyone the real reason I want to get out but if I ask too often I'm considered needy and if I get frustrated or upset it's cause I'm emotional or sensitive and it only makes the situation worse for us because I'll hate you more but then I'll just lose them too even though they're putting me through even more hell than I actually need to deal with. And then I'm considered lazy when I finally get a day off and don't want to help babysit or give someone a massage.

Am I asking too much from people?
Am I not doing enough?

I'm in college full time already and passing all my classes. I'm getting my license by the end of the month. I'm applying to jobs so I can earn money while I'm at school. I still try and make time for my so called friends because if they ever text me first it's cause they need something and I'll always be there to listen but in the back of my mind I know I shouldn't deal with that shit.

I don't know what to do. It's been 18 years of this shit and honestly I just want a drink and a hug.

What the hell am I supposed to do? I'm not needy, or greedy, I just want someone to hang out with every now and again. Or to be able to rant to about anything but I can because everyone I've come across are complete shit. And the one friend I did have I had to cut her off because of my mother.

I'm tired.
Of their shit
Of my family's shit
Of the pressure
Of the heartbreak
Of the lying

I just want for once to be someone's first choice. To talk to or to hang out with.

I put everyone's wants and needs before mine and when I finally got the perfect balance between my own and theirs I suddenly realize they don't actually give a shit about me.

I'm not needed. I'm not wanted. I'm useless. My parents think I'm a compulsive liar. They think I don't know how to do anything and then don't teach me anything. And then take the credit for MY achievements saying shit like 'you graduated because of me'. Ahem. No I didn't. I made the grade, I went to school, I did all the work and you're congratulating yourself? Fuck you.

And then I'm told I'm going to hell by my parent for who knows what reason. My friends parents don't like me because of my sexuality. My 'friends' never stick around long enough for me to figure out why they don't like me. The only people who actually ever genuinely liked me were my fucking teachers. So much so that I think more teachers/professors follow my social than actual friends.

I want a pet of my own. But I'm told I'm not responsible enough and I'm not even given the chance. I babysit and help with dinner all the time and then I'm told that my help isn't actually needed. I want to go out and do things but I'm not trusted enough to be by myself. I want to be in a relationship but my family can't know I want to date another girl.

My wants are simple. I want some companionship. And I want some assurance that I'm not fucking things up every time I breathe.

But that's too much to ask for isn't it?