My Dearest

1/29/19 - 3

3,
I haven't a clue as to why I so naively believed you'd be different from everyone else.
But here we are, you're gone and I've learned my lesson. I wish I would've learned sooner. But I got attached. I fell in love. At least I'd like to think I did. Even if it was strictly platonic or something more I cared a shit ton about you more than anyone else.

And though these words aren't as elegant and graceful as they usually may be, I can't help it.

I should've learned by now.

But now you're gone. And I won't chase after you this time. I'm tired of running.
It's your loss, I've finally learned. I would've done anything for you and you couldn't even tell me the truth.

I don't know if a beautiful lie hurts more or if the dreadful truth does. But either way, I wish there was an easier way of dealing with it rather than my heart aching every time I see you.

Not because of heartbreak. I know to be careful of my heart now. It belongs to no one but myself.
But because I know you will never see the pain hidden in the creases of my smile. And you will never hear the war taking place in my head of whether to tell you or not.
But I won't burden you with a meaningless argument that won't change your future anyway. And it's not worth my time trying to win you back just for you to leave again.

I don't know what the fuck you wanted from me but I gave you everything I had.

I guess you were looking for a brighter flower. I would've changed if you asked me. But you just fucking gave up like everyone else.

Why the hell did I think you different?

Maybe my infatuation blinded me from the truth. Or maybe I was so desperate for a fucking friend that I was willing myself to believe that you would understand.

But either way it hurts the same.

And it wasn't fair of you to take my heart and discard it once you had enough of all the fucking attention I gave you.

I'm sorry I loved you.
But I'm not sorry I'm gone.