Partners

19.

Day three of Elyssa staying over: She says she is a morning person, but she needs to drink 3 cups of coffee to be able to talk in the morning.  All she does is pace around the house trying to think of an excuse to go over to The Headquarters.

"What about going to take your clothes?" I asked her the other day. Elyssa shook her head. "That's too low for the gang member Elyssa. It is below her standards." I raised my brow, not understanding a thing.

"The Headquarters isn't a house where I can come and go as I like. There are certain protocols. Coming to get my clothes after being discharged isn't one of the things that I can do. It will rise suspicion. Also, it would hurt my reputation. Gang Elyssa doesn't need her clothes." Elyssa said and I chuckled.

I hugged her from behind and said. "What does real Elyssa think about that?" She smiled and leaned on to me. "Real Elyssa would like to get her favorite sweater with weird quotes in it."

Elyssa was busy with her thoughts and decided to cook to clear her mind of things, I took this time as a chance to start on my other assignment.

Draw your whole life, in one picture. Like describe your whole existence in one fucking picture. How can I even do that? I guess it is supposed to give us a purpose, to be one with our art and shit. But how can I draw my life in one picture, if I don't even know what the fuck is my life.

First it was the perfect daughter. Then it was a normal girl. Now it is just a mess. I don't know what I am supposed to be. I don't know who I am.

"You alright?" Elyssa's voice stopped my existential crisis. I turned towards her and shrugged. "You have been looking at that clean paper for 20 minutes. What is it that you can't draw?" She pressed on to the issue. She was mixing together a salad bowl.

"I am supposed to draw my life- metaphor of it." I said and Elyssa nodded. "It is an interesting question though. What the fuck can be the metaphor that sums up your life perfectly?" We both got quiet, as we analyzed the possible answers.

In my case, played over the same few months of my life over and over again in my mind.

"Do you ever wish that you were born in a different place? Like instead of New York, it could have been some other country, other life, other family." I asked Elyssa and she kind of shrugged.

"I don't know, maybe yes, but who says that outcome of it would make me different. I believe that if something is meant to be, it will be. And it will shape me and make me who I am today. No matter where I am born." I nodded in understanding, and got up to stretch my limbs.

"No, it can't be exactly the same. There should be another life somewhere." I disagreed as I sat on the couch. Elyssa looked at me and decided to abandon her salad as she sat next to me on the couch.

"You are too mysterious for a simple civilian." Elyssa said in a joking manner and put her hand behind my shoulder. "Seriously though, what is it that makes you want to exist as a totally different person?" She asked and I didn't say anything. I could have said I don't know but I don't want to lie.

Elyssa seemed eager to know more, and I could see that. She told me everything about herself so why shouldn't I do the same? Luckily Elyssa doesn't press on it and plays with my hair and even offers a different conversation topic- food.

For me it is the best case. I can just not talk, and leave it for some other time. If it was possible I would love to never talk about it. But at some point, I have to, don't I?

Everyone says that it is not healthy to bottle up your feelings. Just open up. Thanks for not useful advice, world. Opening up your emotions isn't as easy as opening a bottle.

It is hard and scary. Really scary. I like to think that your past doesn't define your future. Mistakes of the past, will be left in past. They won't follow me.

But as I try to think of something to distract Elyssa from this topic, I remember how I pushed away Darren and even Casey, it only made things worst. Especially with Darren, I don't think that he trusts me anymore.

"My father is a lawyer, but for bad people. He defends criminals and mostly wins his cases. And when he doesn't he.... tries to bribe the judges." I say the last part with a shudder.

He bribes them oh so well.

"Well that explains Ramirez's bad attitude towards you." Elyssa said with a chuckle. "He always got himself invited to weird work dinner parties. We all would be forced to go with the excuse of socializing outside of work. But everyone knew what it really was. He was trying to get on the good side of everyone-so they would 'help him out' when he needed it." I said, slowly, testing to see if I was ready to do this.

Elyssa rubbed my hand and looked up. "Well that's just another proof that our justice system is messed up." She was trying to make me feel better, by poking fun at things.

"Yeah, it is really messed up. So, messed up that when in one of these dinners someone groped me, my dad didn't say a word to them." I said the sentence before I had any chance to back down.

Elyssa stopped soothing my hand and looked at me. "It happened few times, when I was getting something from kitchen, or when I stepped outside for fresh air. One of them tried to pull my top down, sometimes they... they would kiss me. I... I didn't know what to do. I told my dad but he just didn't do anything to stop them, he.... he only asked me to power through, that it was for the better future, that it was for my own good. So I did, I did everything he told me." I mumble as I start to feel the knock on my throat tightening.

"Did anyone else know about this?" Elyssa asked as she looked at me with concern. "He didn't let me tell anyone, I was afraid of the consequences, so I never told anyone. I tried to not be at home when his friends were around, sometimes he didn't let me go anywhere and I was forced to go there." I felt silent tears rolling down my cheeks. Elyssa was now hugging me closer to her chest.

"How can you even do that to your own daughter? Doesn't he have a heart? What kind of an asshole you have to be for that." Elyssa angrily cursed under her breath.

"It, it got worse over time, it wasn't simply that. They forced me to- to kiss them and I couldn't do anything. I was so scared. I had to run away or else..." I started hiccupping in between my words and Elyssa rubbed my back.

"I can't even imagine what it was like for you. I am so sorry you had to go through this. But it's over now, he can't get you here, I won't let him." She didn't let go of me as I cried on to her shoulder, she just put her arms around me and never let me go.