Gandhi's Guide to Getting By

chapter seventeen

How Stella reacts to my "betrayal":

Stella calls me first thing in the morning. "I am very worried about you."  This is what she says. She is so worried about me, she intended to call me last night, after she got back from Jen's. "I'm telling you, Emma, you were all I could think about as I got into the cab, only my phone was dead which meant I had to wait until I got to Greg's... hold on, that might be Greg."

I wait on hold. Two seconds later, Stella is back. "Not Greg," she says, "Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I finally got to Greg's and... well, I kind of forgot about you. But the point is, I woke up this morning and you were the first thing on my mind."

"What do you mean you kind of forgot?" I ask her. "Didn't you just say you were very worried about me?"

"I was, but then I get home and Greg has all these candles burning and I didn't really think of you again until about now. Anyway, I can't tell you how relieved I am that you answered your phone."

I tell her there's nothing to worry about. "I'm fine," I say, "Really."

Stella isn't interested in "fine". Fine, as far as Stella is concerned, is "code for suicidal." She still remembers this episode from Golden Light when Chrystal tells Skylar she's fine, then goes to her room and shoots herself in the head. "Do you see?" Stella says, "Do you see how saying you're fine is one of the signs."

I try to explain this isn't Golden Light. "Stop trying to change the subject," she says, "Trying to change the subject is something else suicidal people tend to do. Do you know what Chrystal did after Skylar asked her if she was okay? She said, Why don't we go out for dinner?"

"I thought she said she was fine."

"First she said she was fine, then she asked Skylar about dinner. It's exactly what you did. First you tell me you're fine, then you say this isn't about Golden Light. By the way, Emma, I know this isn't Golden Light."

I tell her she's right, I am thinking of committing suicide.

"I knew it," she yells. She's coming over immediately, never mind if I have to go to work. "Hold on," she says, "That might be Greg. He woke up super-early this morning for some meeting..." I wait a full minute. I think how it's a good thing I'm not suicidal because there's a lot of damage someone who actually was suicidal could do in one minute. "Okay," she says, "I'm back, but I have to go. Greg wants me to meet him at this little café in Brooklyn where they make the best croissants in America. His driver should be here any minute, so just don't do anything drastic until I call you back. Okay?"

"Okay," I say.

"I mean it," Stella says, "Nothing drastic."

"Does swallowing pills count as drastic?"

"Look, Emma, I'm under a lot of stress here. Will you for once think about somebody else other than yourself? Don't swallow anything until after six when I call you."

There are two things I hope for in my life: One, to figure out my life before I'm eighty. Two, that Stella never volunteers at a crisis hotline.

How my Tuesday morning class reacts to my "betrayal":

Rinaldo wants to know what is wrong. "Bah!" he scoffs when I try to tell him I'm fine. He can see from my face "which is not smiley like it usually is" that something is "not good".  Yesul says it's easy to see what's wrong. "Teacher Ping Ping is having a love problem." Rinaldo thinks about this.  "Si," he says, "Yesul is right. This is definitely a problem of the heart." 

Only Yesul calls me Teacher Ping Ping. Every one else calls me Emma or Teacher Emma. Yesul says her name for me is both a sign of respect and a compliment. It is the name of a famous Chinese "matchmaker" in London, England who made millions matching lonely wealthy men to "entrepreneurial" young women. "Thank you for the respect," I said when she first explained the name, "and thank you for the compliment, but whatever "matchmaking" business Ping Ping was running, it was more of the one hour "matchmaking" variety, not the long term variety."