Sliced Trees and Dead Words

33 - But I guess we can't all be that lucky.

- DALEN -

Sometimes things happen, and they are completely outside of your control.

Take, for example, falling in love. It creeps up on you. One day you're talking normally, and the next, every thought is of that one person; every word spoken is in reference to them; every movement is made to be closer to them; they become the only one partnered with you in all your dirty thoughts; every ounce of care and attention is reserved only for that one particular person; you fall asleep at night wishing they were beside you, and you wake up refreshed excited for the opportunity to see them.

I wouldn't say that I am an expert in love by any stretch of the imagination, but I am an expert in falling in love, hard and probably far too easily.

It's got me in a lot of trouble, too—my propensity to lust out so hard I've convinced myself it's something more. Luna is the most obvious example of this, of course. I saw, she hot, me hard, initial reciprocity in flyaway, innocent flirty banter. BAM! Full blown, my-heart-is-now-in-your-hands love.

Even when it's not met with the same enthusiasm as you're feeling, it feels good. A healthy dose of adrenaline, endorphins, serotonin, good old-fashioned desire. Want.

Maybe that's why I felt so attracted to Luna, reignited each and every time I saw her. Or why I fell 'in love' with so many others over the years. Because I craved those feelings. Positive feelings that I generally didn't find too many other places, except drugs.

I didn't have to be afraid of the positive ones. They were comforting, invigorating, grounding. I welcomed them willingly. From anyone and everyone at every available opportunity because I didn't know how to escape everything else. Devoting myself to being in love, even if it wasn't true, was the most effective way of feeling. Good or otherwise.

It was every other feeling that terrified me. The more prevalent negative ones, telling me my life was pointless; that I should suffocate and drown it out to do the world a favour. The severity and constancy of them, never giving me a break from fighting the overwhelming desire to die.

I don't know when it happened exactly, but those thoughts—the ones screaming at me to kill myself and end the constant pain—became more powerful than all others. I wasn't prepared for it obviously (how can someone ever be?); but I also wasn't prepared for how much I would miss the feeling of positive desire. The ease of it.

And something like falling in love should be easy. The remaining in love and dealing with life's natural dramas and hardships is another story. But the act of falling in love and connecting intimately with someone should be as simple as breathing.

Everything with Luna was always so easy. I obviously used to think that was the result of being in love, but maybe it was just Luna? Maybe she was the reason everything was easy? Maybe because she was a whole and complete person in and of herself, everything else she touched was made simple by extension?

But Luna is far from simple, as is her love. It's complex and multifaceted, similar to my depression but in a much more fascinating and less miserable way. When she let's her guard down, something changes. A major shift occurs in the air around her. She becomes lighter and brighter, which is saying something because she is already the most intense force of natural good in the known universe, and she couldn't shine much brighter than she already does every day.

I saw that shift in her on a few occasions. That night I first met her, when she hardened herself to shitty men, but in a protective, liberating way, and resolved to just be herself regardless of what others said and did around her. When she graduated from her apprenticeship and fully embraced her professional identity and career path. When she'd accomplished her goal of opening her own shop and becoming her own boss. When she signed those mortgage papers with the bank and threw a 'SOLD' sticker up on a 'For Sale' sign, ignoring her parents' tears and fears of her being out on her own.

And the impact of all of these subtle and groundbreaking shifts in Luna were as unexpected to her as the art of falling in love. She never expected much to change when she accomplished all these grand and wonderful things, but she did, and in the best possible ways. Confidence, optimism, hopefulness. It just crept up on her, naturally and beautifully, when it was the right time for it to happen.

So unlike all the demons that creep up on me constantly from the darkness, but which I have now just come to accept as friends. After all, I know them as well as I know Luna. And at least I know what to expect from those monsters. They've not caught me off guard for years now, which is sad because I know it should definitely be the other way around.

The familiarity of depression and the desire to die shouldn't be a standard way of being. It should be the thing that creeps up on you unexpectedly. Like falling in love.

But I guess we can't all be that lucky.

I hope Luna is someday, though.