Sliced Trees and Dead Words

35 - Love and grief both do weird things to a person.

- WOLFE -

Today marks four weeks since my best friend died.

Twenty-eight days.

And I can't figure out whether it feels longer or shorter than that because Luna has taken over everything. Every thought, every feeling, every desire, every memory. It's like my life now exists along a timeline of Before Luna and After Luna, and everything that came before seems to be fading into distant memory, which I don't particularly like at all because Dalen was a part of that before. A very big part, and one I don't care to forget.

But that's how powerful Luna is. All consuming. Just like Dalen always said she was. I wish he were here so I could tell him he was right. That I understand now why he fell so instantly and so hard, and why he always kept holding onto hope that something would happen between them, because I can now say definitively that it would have been well worth the wait.

She's phenomenal. How dedicated she is to her work, and to helping the kid Heath get his life back on track, and to maintaining and building her business to support her girls who so clearly love her. How much she adores her family, even Siella who can be so thoughtless at times and blurt things out about Dalen or her weight without thinking of how it might affect Luna. How much hope she has for Nella and Mason trying for their first baby, and the emotional support she provides her best friend on a daily basis. How much she thrives on her growing confidence, and the benefits I receive as a result—seeing her dance in the kitchen while she cooks after a busy day and not being embarrassed by the way her gorgeous skin reacts to the movements; stripping off with the lights on instead of insisting upon complete darkness first; experimenting with finding different positions she likes best, and not constantly apologising for thinking she was crushing me; not covering her stomach with her tattooed arms trying to hide; no longer being afraid to initiate sex with me, instead of just waiting impatiently for me to be the one to kiss and touch her first to know it was okay.

I don't know what we're doing apart from basically living like a married couple who've been together for years, as everyone likes to point out at every available opportunity, including Luna's friends, work colleagues, sister, and even her parents after the last Sunday dinner we hosted. Luna hasn't once said it bothers her when people comment on it, nor does she seem bothered by the fact I'm basically living in her house. Sleeping in her bed, cooking in her kitchen, eating at her dining table, bathing in her shower, pissing and shitting in her toilet, cleaning dishes in her sink. Watching TV while she and Medusa fight over the spot in my lap awaiting cuddles and backrubs. Sitting back and seeing her bend and stretch and balance in ways that make no sense to my inflexible body first thing every morning. Bringing her a hot chai each day if I'm not working with Mason, and hearing all the ladies and Heath giggle when I lay kisses all over her face and she swats me away and slaps my ass out the door. Lying in bed listening to her speak gibberish and make weird sleep noises when she's trying to fight sleep and keep herself awake to talk to me. Holding her hand as we take Medusa for short walks up and down Luna's street to keep her moving and give her some fresh air.

We haven't talked about it, but in my mind, we're together. Like, together together. Even more than Sage and I ever were. I never lived with Sage, and I am arguably living with Luna. I never brought Sage hot beverages at her work. I never cooked dinner with Sage. I never went on dinner dates at her best friend's house. I never did tampon and chocolate runs down at the supermarket when she was on her period. I never used her washing machine to clean our underwear together. I never did weekly grocery shopping with her. We saw each other regularly, went to the movies, ate out at restaurants and cafes, hung out with friends watching the footy on the telly, slept at each other's' houses all the time, had sex. But we never really had everything else that I now have with Luna. The thought of ever having done all this every day stuff with Sage just doesn't make any sense to me, but the very thought of ever not knowing this with Luna leaves me absolutely gutted.