Through The Dark || Harry Styles

20. HARRY

HARRY

I take a second to fix the collar of my jacket, passing the single red rose between my clammy hands as I straighten up and try to reassure myself, for the hundredth time tonight, that this is a good idea.

These last fourteen days have been torture. Not only is Lucy avoiding me, but I can't get my head around what happened, or how I feel about it, and so I haven't been overly 'available' to her either.

The guilt of having kissed her is so strong that it makes me feel ill and that mixed with the feeling of rejection and her clear, almost instant, regret is too much to comprehend.

I hastily decided that I needed a distraction and perhaps another woman was exactly will help me see that whatever this is between Lucy and me, isn't real.

I need her out of my head, and my dreams, and my conscience.

More than before.

So, here I am, at the doorstep of Sarah Cavanah's flat with a rose in my hand.

Cliché much?

I roll my eyes at myself before ringing her apartment bell.

I feel sick. Maybe I'm coming down with something?

"Hi, Harry," Sarah's voice is soft, confident and it puts my nerves at ease.

She looks as striking as ever as she pulls back the door to reveal her little black dress and red lips.

"Hey, nice to see you again," I smile because hers is infectious as I hand her the rose.

"I realise now how lame this is," I joke as her fingertips brush my hand.

"Not at all, thank you," she giggles and it's sweet.

I chose a restaurant I've never been to, making reservations today on a whim and a hope that Sarah would be free. Lucy told me she was at her mum's house and I couldn't think of anything worse than spending another Friday night alone and dwelling on what happened two weeks prior.

It was a mistake, she said so herself and I need to get it off my mind.

Sarah and I are seated at a table by the front window, the ability to watch people walk by the restaurant is a welcomed distraction and way of breaking the initial hesitancy of a first date.

"I have to admit, I'm a little surprised you called me. I wondered if it was another one of Preston's tactics for a second."

Her dark eyes are so warm, bold but friendly and it's easy to get lost in them.

"I'm still sorry about that," I shake my head.

The waiter interrupts to hand us menus and pour water into our glasses.

Sarah is polite and warm, her tone gracious as she smiles at the waiter and he is instantly under her spell.

I want it to work on me.

"Everything sounds so good," I make small talk as I scan the menu.

"It really does."

"I think I'm going to get the ravioli," I say at the same time as she announces, "Ravioli sounds good!"

Our laughter is soft but genuine.

"I'm actually a vegetarian, I probably should have mentioned it earlier," she says.

I shake my head, not wanting her to feel like a burden.

"So am I."

Our grins are wide, our eyes on each other as the waiter approaches to take our order and I look at her for permission before ordering for the both of us.

What I discover over dinner is that Sarah is not only gorgeous but intelligent and well-travelled. We share stories about our experiences travelling America and I tell her about my three years in San Francisco. The conversation is light and easy, easier than I expected and if I had to write down everything that I would be looking for in a partner, she would tick every box.

She makes me laugh, a lot, and I find out that she's just as much of an animal lover as I am, although she comes from a family of vegans and vegetarians and admits it was less of a choice for her to make and just something she grew up accepting.

"What's your favourite movie?" I ask her, a couple of glasses of wine down and our hands reaching across the table to lightly sit together.

"Mmm, Notting Hill," she grins and I laugh too loudly.

"Lucy loves Hugh Grant, too. What is it with women and loving every movie he's ever made?"

Her hand twitches in mine at the recognition of Lucy's name.

"How is she doing?" Sarah's voice is lower, genuine concern and compassion on her face.

I didn't want to think about Lucy tonight, the whole purpose of me being here was to try and forget her, but now that the flood gates are open, there's no stopping the rush.

"She's doing as well as she can. It was a shock... to all of us. Jake was always a bit reckless, but I kind of thought he was invincible, I guess. Things never really caught up with him... until they did."

Sarah rubs a thumb over my knuckles and something about her makes me want to keep talking.

"But Lucy's amazing once you push through the walls she builds up. She's not easy, she's really moody and stand-offish and she is in this constant state of worry that makes you want to protect her from the world, you know? But then, when you tear the curtains down, she's just full of light."

I stop myself when I realise I'm getting carried away.

"Do they have children?" Sarah asks, her hand pulling back into her lap.

I shake my head, not wanting to imagine how much harder that would be and the thought of Amy's secret that weighs on my shoulders.

"No, just a little dog, Lola. God, she's the cutest thing ever. She's a pug and such a character. Definitely been on this earth before, she understands too much, I swear."

I laugh probably too hard, but Sarah keeps her smile soft.

The mood has changed and I'm not sure when, but as soon as I realise it I look out the window to watch those passing by. After a moment that we can both sense, I switch the conversation back to something light. What books she's reading, what we are both watching on TV, where she plans to go on her next holiday.

"Coffee?" I ask after our plates are cleared.

"Oh, no thanks, I don't drink coffee," she says politely and I exhale a chuckle at the thought of what Lucy would say in her absolute horror.

After dinner I walk her to her door, the rose I gave her twirling between her fingertips as we pause at the entrance.

"Thank you for dinner, I had a great time," she says politely.

"I did too."

It's clear what is meant to happen next and so out of pure custom and to prove my feelings to myself, I lean down and kiss her.

I can see myself with her, I can. But something in the pit of my stomach is telling me it's wrong, and not in the same way the kiss two weeks ago on the dancefloor was wrong.

Our kiss is gentle and quick. A gesture to say thank you and one to say goodbye.

No sparks, no feeling. No passion with an H.

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