How?

Lila - 10

I've done nothing but sit on my bed, staring at my toes, wondering how I could've let this happen. I have a fucking child, which, by the way, wants to meet me. What am I meant to say? 

"Hey kid who I don't know, you were the product of sexual assualt and rape, I have no idea where your biological father is if he isn't in jail from being caught dealing, and I made a huge mistake agreeing to be involved if the time ever came that you asked for your biological mother because I want nothing to do with a fucking kid that I won't even be able to support because I can barely support myself." 

Yeah, not happening. 

I muster up the strength to open the letters. 

Dear Lila Gonzales, 

It has come to our attention that there is a young individual that is claiming intent of contact with yourself. For privacy of the young individual, we can not and will not release personal information of the above mentioned individual, other than that you are the biological maternal parent listed on his file. 

The reason you are receiving this notice is due to an option selected during the foster/adoption process. You opted to be contacted at any time the individual gains a sense of interest. You have the option of responding to this letter, to which an additional form and postage has been included. You also have the option of opting out, with an additional fee of $2,000.00 for falsifying willingness to contact. You will also possibly face a court order for opting out of contact with an individual older than 12 but younger than 21. 

If you believe you have received this letter by mistake, please contact us at the information listed below. 

We understand this decision will take time, we ask that you plase respond within 6 months of receiving this letter or you will automatically be opted out and given an additional fee of $2,000.00 for failing to comply with the guidelines. 

Kind Regards, 

NYS Child Services

Oh great - I either meet the kid or I owe two-fucking-grand. I don't know whether to cry or punch something. I was 17 and living in New York when I signed those papers - a scared child. I thought maybe if I checked off I would be willing to meet the kid someday, it would somehow justify me giving him away. But it doesn't. 

*Fast forward to Brian's get together/party* 

I can hear loud rock and heavy metal music playing. Oddly enough, I find myself dancing to it and getting excited. I remember I was invited and instantly get goosebumps. I don't remember the last time I went to a party. I don't even know if I should go. I sit on my bed wearing the comfiest pajamas I own. 

The window is open, granting me access to look into his house. My breath hitches. He's freshly showered and well dressed in a dark pair of jeans and boots and a crisp white v-neck t-shirt. He looks tense and his face cold. For the first time I'm seeing him by himself, not in the dark, or a hot mess. My god is he breath taking. He looks up at me and stares, I'm so nervous I can't look away. He grins a little and then quickly walks out of his room and disappears somewhere into his home. 

Lila, suck it up, and go. Nothing can go wrong, you live next door! I try to convince myself to go. 

I take a deep breath and drop on my bed, kicking my feet like an indecisive child. 

..Fuck it, I could use some booze to get this child off my mind. 

*Authors Note*

Yes.. I've been gone for HUGE amount of time. I won't promise updates anymore but I can promise that I will try my best to update more frequently. A lot has happened since I started writing here on Wattpad and to be fair, I'm an actual adult now so I hope my writing has improved and will continue to improve. I miss writing and I miss reading, it's been a while since I've done either. I think I'm going to stick to fan-fics until I'm comfortable enough to start writing a story/book I've had in my head for a while. Please let me know if any one is still reading this! It would give me more inspiration to keep writing and update more frequently!! - Zuly