How?

Lila - 4

I look and feel like trash - the same shirt I slept in with the addition of shorts, converse sneakers and beyond messy hair - no make up whatsoever, so my eyes probably have the darkest circles. As I'm leaving my place, I see the mysterious hero/biker guy from last night leaves with another guy who looks too tall to fit in that car. He looks like shit too - like a middle aged dad taking his kids to the beach. 

Thinking back on last night, body image and self esteem have never been one of my strengths. So wearing a dress and tight-fitting clothes has always been a problem. But now, when I do wear them, the only problem is the cat calling and the drunks - especially in this part of town. So I'm confined to the "wonderful" standards of rape culture, wearing baggy clothes, trying not to be "too provocative".

My life has been a series of roller coasters - ups, downs, and those weird adrenaline rushing loops that can kill you from whip lash if even the slightest measurement or angle is off. But, that's a story for another time because if I start now, I don't know when I'll end.

The feeling of my phone buzzing in my pocket brings my attention back to where I was going. Pulling out my phone, it's clear the message is from my best friend, Marcy, because there's 22 messages unread. I decide to call her.

"Hiii" She says kindly, her warm voice making feel comforted.

"Hey, mind if I come over? I've been all weird again and something happened last night and it keeps bugging me. I don't know how to process it." I admitted, crossing the street.

"Yeah sure, of course. No problem. It's like 10 though, did you eat? I can heat up waffles in the microwave. I'd offer to cook real food but I can't cook soo yeah." She laughs to herself and I accept the offer.

15 minutes pass by and I'm making myself at home, not bothering to knock and just walk in.

I make my way to the living room and lay down on the couch, wanting a few moments to myself before letting Marcy know I'm here.

For some reason, my eyes start to feel heavy and I end up falling asleep.

"Faster!", my brother yells at the top of his lungs. We're running away from someone. They have a gun. I can't run as well as he can, I'm only 11.  

"Relax babygirl, you'll love it." I'm 13 and my brothers friend is pulling my pants down.   

"You little bitch!" He screams at me, raising his hand to smack my face out of anger. I'm 15 and my 19 year old boyfriend hits me.  

"You're the worst thing that has ever happened to me." My fathers words ring in my ears after he figures out I'm pregnant at 16.

"You're going to have to put your child up for adoption." I'm 17 and need to make a decision.

"You need to get the fuck out and never come back." My fathers words ringing in my ears at 21.

"Lila!" I wake up sweaty, panting, and crying, having to face my best friend.

"The nightmares are back." I whisper and start sobbing.

"Is this what you came to tell me?" She asked calmly.

I shake my head yes and tell her about the bar, my midnight breakfast, showers, oh - and the hungover mess with morals.