Life is What it is

Indirect Rejection

Four years. It's been four years since I've been friends with this person. I adore this person. You could say they're like a brother to me. I've only started thinking of them as a brother last year.

It's funny. That's because last year I was basically rejected for the third time by this person.

The first time I met this person was on snapchat. Yes, snapchat. The infamous social media account. Don't worry though. Apparently, he attends my school.

I always thought that it was just a little crush since that is how I am. I just wanted a boyfriend because everyone around me was getting a boyfriend. I thought I only liked him because I thought he was cute. That was the case for the first year. No wonder he rejected me. The second year was no different.

Then came the third year. My three years of being in the same classes with him, talking to him, and being in the same club as him made me realize that I still had a big fat crush on him.

I started to notice the little things he did. The small ugly giggle he would make whenever he made a dumb joke. His goofy wide smile appearing when he knows he did something petty. The way he would brush his hair and shake his head slightly to fix it. I was getting closer to him as the year went by. Things start to get slower. It was almost like time had stop. Every time I was around him I'd get so happy. I would be more talkative and more cheerful. I'd be able to be me this time around. I didn't need to do my fake high pitch voice or come by his table to grab his attention. He made me start to love myself. He made me realize that I'm not that bad. He is an amazing friend. I'd say to myself. And I would repeat it. My amazing friend.

Right. Friend. I meet another person. A girl. Me and him were both friends with her. I talked to her about me liking him. I knew that me and him could never be a thing. I told her it was just a crush and that it'll pass. She told me she was sorry to hear that and that she would always be there for me. But, eventually I told her my feelings were gone. Because I had started to notice that he and her were talking a lot. Late night calls.

Who the heck even has a crush on someone for three years and still calls it a crush? Me, of course. I went over to my cousin's house. And we were just worn out. Tired. She had just gotten out of a relationship and we both just needed to talk. Our conversation became deeper and deeper. Soon enough we were sobbing. Listening to each other's love stories. Just wanting to feel wanted in ways that make us feel loved. And thats when I realized it. I looked at my cousin with teary eyes. And I said something I never thought I would say with so much confidence. About anyone. I said, "I love him."

I told my other friend. That I knew I love him. I know it. It took a couple of weeks and my friend finally said that she was starting to like him. I could feel the tightness in my chest. She said she was sorry, because she knew I like him. But, I know it's because she was starting to get closer to him. And that she, too, was starting to notice his features. He was telling her things he never told me. It has only been a couple of weeks. So, she won't know if I lie, right? I told her that I was over him and that she should go for it. She talked to me about him and each time she talked about him... It was filled with much passion and adoration. I knew that he deserved that kind of love. Not my weird selfish love.

It hurt. A lot. I just wanted this moment to pass. But, it wouldn't do them any good if they knew that. After all. I was rooting for my friend and him to date.

I didn't want to stop her from becoming something more with him because I knew he liked her too.

So, I hid my feelings in hopes they would disappear.

My indirect rejection.

When they became official. I knew I really had to let go.

"I love you. You're like a little brother to me." My head was placed on the desk and my eyes looked at him. My lips curled into a wide grin.

"Ok."

I love you.