Life is What it is

Young

I dated someone for a week before I broke up with him. I was scared. Confused. Young. I always got this weird feeling in my stomach. Each day it'd increase and I wouldn't know what to do with it. It was unbearable. Late at night, I would curl into a ball and lie down on my side. I'd think to myself. Why do I feel this? Stop being so doubtful.

I was happy being with him. I was content because I wasn't a rebound. I could be myself and I could express my feelings to him. But, I couldn't handle it.

I was so mean to him. I was so aggressive. I was just a... I don't know. A tsundere girlfriend? I felt bad. He didn't deserve someone like this. Regardless, he still put up with me. He still called me beautiful.

I got mad at him for buying me hot Cheetos and dark chocolate. I was pissed because why would he waste his money on someone like me? He needed that money for more important things. Yet, he used it on me. I still feel like crap about it because I broke up with him that day as well. I was so dumb. Wasn't that an irrational move of me to do?

After I broke up with him, he told me why he called me beautiful. I don't remember the words exactly. But, I'm sure he said it was because my cousin told him I'd always smile when he texted me that. Did i make a mistake? Don't take it back.

Dating him was no mistake though. Letting him go was. I learned from that. I'm grateful that I met him. I experienced things and felt things I never knee I could. It was new to me. I liked it though. Told you to stop being so doubtful.

I really enjoyed my moments with him. I loved texting him. I loved texting him more than anyone. He showed interest in wanting to text me. He did not seem bothered by me and he was always helping me believe that I will be okay. I never had to think about what I wanted to say to him. I didn't need to be careful about my words choices. He always welcomed all of my moods. And somehow, it just calmed me down. Weird. That made me annoyed. Why is he so unbothered? Can't he see how frustrated I am? Why isn't he getting mad at me? Why is he never mad at me? Why can't he just get mad at me?

He's always there for me.

This is so frustrating. I'm so frustrating. He was perfect. He was the perfect boyfriend. And I just had to go and ruin it. He was everything I ever wanted in a boyfriend. He was like those boyfriends in the movies. The ones who would do anything to just make you happy. To just see you happy or make you smile. It was like he cared about me more than he cared about himself. And I got scared. I wimped out. I ran away from my feelings instead of talking it out with him. Why didn't I think of that?

It was like he brought me out into the light for the first time. I would see the sun and I'd reach out to see the sun sparkling against my skin. It'll be warm rubbing along my cold skin. I'd feel alive. But, sooner or later, it would start to burn. I would see steam coming off my arm. My body would instantly pushed back into the darkness. I never wanted to come back out. I didn't like the pain. I didn't feel the pain but, I knew it was coming. If he wanted me again. Would I be willing to step out to the sun?

I ask myself too many questions. That is what I get for being so clueless on life.

I broke up with him but, I was starting to like him a-lot. Maybe I was really falling for him and that terrified me. It annoyed me. Every time he texted me I was annoyed. I couldn't tell if my feelings for him was growing or not. I had no idea how to interoperate my feelings. It was discomforting.

I was perplexed.

I wasn't ready for it to get serious. He told me that he would be there for me. He would listen to me. But, I know how complicated I was being. I didn't want to give him high hopes. I knew that I would never be ready. I shouldn't be with someone if I was so unsure of myself. Right? Right.

To this day, I still talk to him. I'm thrilled to still have him in my life. Our relationship would be brought up every once in awhile. But it wasn't about the bad things. It was about the good. We wondered if we were to give it another shot in the future if possible. And what did I say? I said, "I don't know".

We wanted to leave that to the future and just focus on our good and growing friendship. I called him 'Big Bro'. His contacts was Big Bro. Until recently I changed it to his actual name.

I had a whole interrogation with myself again and I realized that I actually changed his contact name. I laughed convulsively. But, why did I?

Ah, maybe it was because I started to develop feelings again. If that was the case it would be weird for his name to be Big Bro. Every time we texted the emotions would come rushing back to me. All our memories, my regrets, and decisions were just eating me up. I felt delighted.

Suddenly, I wasn't afraid. Unlike before I opened up to him fully. I started to change and I became more patient with myself. With him. I started to understand my actions.

Back then I was indecisive.

"Hey".

Back then it was too early.

"Anybody you talking to?"

Back then I was young.

"I have a girlfriend".

But, I grew up.

"You didn't tell me".

And it was too late.

"You never asked".

I could feel my heart drop to my stomach. But, it would never reach the bottom of it. Why?

His exes.

"They would all date me again"

"Does that include me?"

"I don't know. Does it?"

"I don't know."

I know.

But, I still need to grow up.

I'm still young.