Life is What it is

Love and Infatuation

I don't know love. I really don't. If someone asked me to define love. I'd use the word inevitable to define it.

Love is something that is unavoidable. It comes in so many shapes and sizes.

I have the love from my friends, my family, but not a lover. The love I long for. Is the love from a partner. Because not only do they love you to their fullest. They love you as a friend, as a family, and as a lover. Not just a friend. Friend-zoned. Not like a brother or sister. Family-zoned.

I could be wrong. I wanna say that all I need is the love from my family and friends. But eventually that dies down and I become distant. I become lonely.

Everyone leaves. Friends come and go. Fake? Families grow and so forth. Having families of their own.

Do I need to change? Yes. Do I need to grow up? Yes, Am I a... a... Am I a bad person? Yes. Is it bad to be selfish? Sometimes. Is it bad for wanting love to come find you? Depends.

Truth to be told, and I said this in the begining, I know nothing about love. I don't even know how it feels. I can't differentiate love and infatuation. I don't know what being in love feels like. Sure, I knew I loved one guy before in my life. But I didn't know how I knew.

It just... It felt right. When I said it out loud. I felt so much emotions, blissfulness and devastation, flushing through my body. It was like a rush of the wind before quickly turning into shocks of electricity dashing into my veins.

When I realized that I was in love with someone. It would be hard for me to breathe. My face was covered in wet hot tears. My eyes blurred and I could barley see my reflection. I'd stare into the mirror and see my blood-shot eyes. And I'd laugh with the stains on my cheeks. I would look at myself in disbelief. Am I really in love?

I've only been in love with one person. If I was in love with him why did I cry? Sadness. Why did I feel bad? Guilt. Was it because I knew he didn't have mutual feelings? Yes. Was it because I knew my friend was starting to like him? Yes. Was it because I was insecure? No. I don't get it. I thought love meant happiness. Why do I feel like shit then? You're confused.

No. Don't say some clique thing like "You need to love yourself first before you love another". That almost always works. Almost. Some people just can't love themself without help.

But, anyways, I got over him. I mean I had to. My feelings weren't hidden. But, it wasn't known either. It was like a white lie, but one that was told without being needed to be.

And now I'm starting to think it's too early. It is way to early. I just got over someone. I know I'm over that person. The dude is like a brother to me now. I literally wouldn't change it for the world. When I think back to how I say I love him and I really like him. I feel like barfing. I ask myself why did I even want to date him. Why? Maybe because I was young and dumb. Chuckles. I know now that he isn't the one for me. There are some people who are better as a friend than as a lover.

But, I think I'm in love with someone again. It's not a small middle school crush. It's someone new. Someone kind, smart, and adorable. Someone who friend-zoned me. Someone like Mongolian boy.

Wow. Mongolian boy. I could go weeks, days, and months without talking to him. But the minute he replies I can feel the energy in my stomach splashing back and forth. It was almost like it was fully recharged and ready to burst. My throat was holding back a giggle as I read his message. Messages. What the fuck?

How can I love someone and be sure of it when I don't even know what love is?

I can't love him.
It's infatuation. Is it?