Life is What it is

Communication

I really don't like talking to people. I'm not shy, I just don't think I'll be able to word everything right.

I always need to write it down before I say it. But, I don't like speaking. I basically detest  it. I would not say its because I hate my voice, but more of I hate it when I stutter. I'm always stuttering when I'm speaking. Rather if I was talking to a friend or if I was making a speech. I stutter. It really annoys me. What can I do to have a clear voice? A voice that sounds confident rather than a voice that does sound confident.

But thats not the case. My friends and I make inside jokes of some of my stutters. It's something I can fix actually.

Whenever I talk to people. I always make eye contact. And the more I do that. The more attentive I am of them. The more I am aware of how they are feeling. I start to understand the way others speak. I start to see those who wants to speak with me and those who don't want to talk to me.

And because of that. I start to see friends who will always love talking to me and friends who think I'm annoying at times. I've never communicated this much before. Last year, I would always do whatever I can to avoid hanging out. To talk to anyone outside of a club of activity. I would always push myself to be alone.

But this year, I kept my communications. I talked with my friends. Like everyday. I call them and I go through with some plans that we make. I started to feel like because of how i've been communicating that I suddenly feel like I have real friends.

I can see those who are happy to speak with me and it's the best feeling when you see it on the person you like. Of course, friend-zoned. But thats okay because I rather it be that. I use to relent having friends or communicating or saying how I feel. Or asking an questions in class. I was almost shy, but it was more like I didn't want to.

I also got better at reading whats on a person's mind. I start to realize why they're pissed and such. I mean sure it's kinda annoying to have a friend come up to you and be like, "Are you okay? I can read you like a book so tell me whats wrong?" Every now and then but. It means I care. I do know when to stop doing that. I mean... Their faces say it all.

But anyways, I can't believe how happy communicating has made me feel and also how it can sadden my moods. There will be some times where you just wonder to yourself if you really did the right choice.

For example, when a friend is mad at you and you can obviously tell why and you know they are mad but they don't want to talk about it. You can see it in their eyes. How annoyed they seem. You can hear it in their voice. You can see how their actions shift and it's basically screaming, "Please shut up."

Communicating is great, but sometimes you wish you didn't have that ability so you don't have to deal with anything bad. Maybe you're just the type of person who just wants to make everyone around you happy, but you can't because some people don't want that communication.

Once you get going it's hard to stop. It's hard to tell yourself to skip that person. Eventually you'll develop the likeness of communicating that soon you'd dread the thought of it.

How did such a great thing become so dark? Well. It started off so well. So, what happened?

How do I properly communicate with others?
Someone. Please tell me.

I need to know. I know in the future that it'll require lots of communicating and I don't have much time to practice it. Because soon I'll be passing the threshold of high school and the world of life.