One Less Lonely Heart.

Another Lifetime

    The next day, I contemplated on getting out of bed. I had about 4 days to pack all my belongings and move into my first apartment. With all the good things going on around me, this nightmare had to be just what it was—a figment of my over exaggerated imagination. When I checked my phone, reality sunk in. No calls or texts from him. Still. This wasn't a nightmare, this was all too real. Too real for even myself to grasp.
I got up and brushed my teeth and washed my face, put some quick running around clothes on and got started on packing my clothes.
I really couldn't even concentrate on the task at hand. My mind kept going back to him and the empty feeling in my stomach kept making me pause to overthink some more. I thought I was his favorite son. I thought he'd never leave me again. How could he leave me over something I can't control myself? I thought a parent was supposed to love their child unconditionally. Or is it the condition that the child doesn't grow up to be a homosexual.
I quickly realized my sorrows had turned into anger before my very eyes. I had a right to be pissed, angry, mad, frustrated. I felt abandoned, yet again by the same man who told me he'd never leave my side. It never dawned on me to ask him personally why he didn't want to respond to me, so I made it my mission to figure out before the day ended.
I stopped packing my stuff and made some calls.
Two hours later I had my father's current address and got in my car and made my way over there. I wasn't that same little boy who sat there and watched his father walk out of his life through those Roberts Park gates with little to no explanation as to why. I was determined to know why, and I wasn't leaving until I did.
Once I made it to the address the GPS led me to, I hopped out of my car and made my way to the door.
I knocked on it 3 times and waited.
The man I once called father opened the door very slowly and for a split second it looked like he had seen a ghost.
"What are you doing here?" He said stuttering, something I had never seen before. He was nervous.
"I could ask you the same question."
"Halfway house."
"I wrote to you. Waited for calls, letters, nothing."
"Yea—
"Save it, I just want to know why."
"Why what?"
"Why you betrayed me! I've done NOTHING but try to be the son you needed me to be! There wasn't anything that you asked of me that I didn't do for you. When you needed money on your books, I did it. When you needed canteen to eat, I did it. When you needed personal stuff, I did it. Then you come home and act like I didn't do ANYTHING for you!?"
"I'm sorry."
"No your not. You wanted to hurt me by taking a picture with your other kids, but last time I checked them other kids didn't want anything to do with you! Did them other kids send you anything when you was locked up? No. Did they write to you? No. They didn't give a damn about you! But I did."
"... I want grandkids."
"Is that all you have to say? You know, homosexual people can have children too! Just cause I'm this way doesn't give you the right to abandon me again. I don't know who taught you how to be a father, but a real father loves ALL his children unconditionally not SOME of them! But maybe we were better off, not being father and son at all. Have a good life Mr. Deshawn."
I left my father stunned and speechless. I never felt myself get so upset until that day. What I had so desperately wanted and took the time trying to build for 14 years literally crumbled up in front of my very eyes. The person I loved the most did not love me back. The person who helped bring me into this world, seem to have made a mistake. I was never what he wanted. I was too blind to see. I got in my car and drove off into the sunset, not knowing my direction, I had kept driving until I found myself on a beach. I sat in the sand and stared at the beautiful orange and purple sky. I wanted another chance, but I knew in my heart that wish could never be granted. No matter how hard I wished for it. I would never be able to dance with my father again.