The Strange Case of Dr. Meadows and Kyle

THE LAST HOORAH

Dr. Nylon's second email came the next day. It detailed what Melanie claimed she had started to suspect herself: Dr. Meadows and Kyle were the same person. Meadows had created some kind of elixir, crafted from a popular energy drink, that made him youthful, gave him strength, and lowered his intelligence and inhibitions far more than alcohol was capable of. He found a way to reverse the transformation to his normal, but it was only temporary. He was compelled to transform back into Kyle at random times and the dosage to reverse the effects kept going up. He needed a larger sample, so he chose a fraternity to conduct his tests on. The first test led to all of the men dying- a side effect Meadows believed was the result of their already youthful bodies- but he did not want to experiment on anyone else just in case. That was until Dr. Nylon caught onto Meadows' experiments and created a similar formula for herself: Her formula, however, produced permanent results. That was, Melanie supposed, the story of Dr. Meadows and Kyle. Then, she received an excited knock on her dorm room door.

Harambe was in the hallway when Melanie opened the door. He looked worried, but Melanie could not tell for certain because he was a gorilla, and she was unaccustomed to gorilla facial features. "Miss Melanie, there is trouble in the lab!" Harambe cried out.

"What kind of trouble?"

"Dr. Meadows locked himself in the backroom, and is not accepting visitors. I am accustomed to his antics, and believed this was another passing phase, yet it has been several days since I have seen him. He sounds like an entirely different man!"

"It's okay Harambe," Melanie said, patting the ape on the head. "You stay here and I will go take care of him."

"Miss Melanie, I should go with. I am much stronger than you and I have telekinetic powers."

"Then why didn't you just take care of it yourself?" Melanie asked, rolling her eyes. "Look, it doesn't matter. I know what will fix him."

"Fix him?" Harambe asked. "What is broken on him?"

But it was too late. Melanie was already out the door on her way to the lab. She knew Dr. Meadows' secret. She knew everything she needed for the story. There was only one other thing she needed to do to find closure.

She promptly shattered the lab door glass with a nearby plant and opened the door from the inside. She ran to the backroom door and banged on it. "Dr. Meadows, open the door! I know everything!"

"I still have a restraining order," a weak voice cried from inside.

Melanie kicked the door several times to no avail. Then, she took a chair and slammed it against the doorknob until it fell off. She pushed the door open, and in the middle of the room was Dr. Meadows, half transformed into Kyle, laying on his stomach. She turned him onto his back and grabbed his collars.

"It's too late Melanie," he said weakly. "I ingested every chemical in this room, and I will soon die."

"No, you're going to be fine," Melanie said matter-of-factly, unbuttoning his dress shirt. "I read over Dr. Nylon's notes. You're going full on Kyle and it will take a lot more than some chemicals to kill you."

"Then what are you doing here?"

"Speeding things up."

She smacked him across the face as hard as she could, leaving a bright red mark. Then, she slapped him again. Again and again. Finally, he grabbed her wrist to stop her. She saw his face contort into a visage of Kyle, smiled, then kissed him deeply. He initially forced her back, then pulled her close and returned the kiss. They proceeded to have crazy, destructive intercourse all over the lab.

"Glad to get that out of my system," Melanie said. "What are you going to do now?"

"Probably going to get some energy drinks. Hang with the boys. Break some shit. I've got a talking monkey to entertain me. There's no limit to what I can do, really. Unless, you're planning on ratting me out to the popo."

"No, I'm going to destroy all of the evidence I've gathered. You get out of here and I'll report Dr. Meadows missing."

"The reports you got from that Nylon lady. Does it say Meadows is gone for good?"

"As far as I can tell, Dr. Meadows is long dead. Harambe is at my dorm. He will take care of you if you explain the situation to him."

Kyle threw up his arm triumphantly, high-fived Melanie, smashed a cabinet door, then walked out. Melanie lit up a cigarette,pulled a tape recorder from her pocket and moved it through her fingers, then thought to herself, best reporter ever.