Welcome to The Mothering Crone

Balancing Act

It is said that life is a balancing act.  And truth be told it isn't easy.  Our daily lives are either just so rushed with little unexpected events that needs our immediate attention now... or days of hum drum existence.  Doing the same, sometimes comforting routine day in and day out.  Time just waiting for someone or something to grab you by the collar and shake you out of the comfortable hum drums of your life. 
That happen to me a few months ago.  I was so  enmeshed with the daily living of my life I was consumed by it.  All I seemed to do was wrapped up in a job I didn't love, didn't like and had resented its intrusion in my little universe.  I realized early on when I started working there, that I had made a terrible mistake, something similar to a very bad marriage.  But like a partner in the bad marriage I felt obligated to make it work.  I tried to find the good in it and understand the reasoning of my failure to make it thrive.  I stayed in it because I had to work.  And like a cheater, I looked for another to fill the need of working. That never came. But the divorce did.. I was released from my hell and it was by another's hand and not mine,  for I would have stayed because I am that type of person.
When that change came, I felt relief, freedom and that I could breathe the fresh air again.  The weight of the world was removed from me and as I drove home that afternoon, each mile stripped away the memory of being there.  Everyone said take time, relax, don't worry, thing will turn out okay.  The heavy stress that held me down for so long was dissipating like a dark cloud that covers the moon.  I slept late and a lot during the first few weeks. Looked around my home to see what needed to be done.  I cooked meals that I hadn't done in the few years I worked.  Spent time with my husband and loved every minute.  Had time to be with my grandsons, all while trying to find my balance.  The holidays took up time and soon after everything was said, done and cleared away,the long winter settled on me and with that the doubt.
We knew it would be hard to live without my income.  Unemployment had yet to start because I was disqualified for 14 weeks.  And now as the last few hardest weeks come I wonder should I have done whatever I did to lose a job that I didn't like.  I am looking for a job and know that during this economy it will be hard to find one.
I  am filled with doubt that here is a chance, a golden chance to do my hearts desire. For so long I did for others either working, helping my family or being the priestess I was expected to be. I am also feeling so very lost.
Yesterday I went outside, down to the woods and helped gather firewood for our home. I stood in the center of the circle in the woods.  At first I could feel its emptiness, the feeling of nothing.  I walked around the perimeter of rocks just lost in thought.  At each quarter I would stop and listen to hear something, to feel something, to know something.  But there was only the silence of the woods.  I stood there feeling lost and unbalanced.  It was late afternoon with the sun beginning to set on the chilled day.  I walked to the center standing between the north quarter and the fire pit, reaching out  and digging deep into my buried memories of time outside time, a place outside place.  Willing to feel, to hear, to smell and to taste all that had transpired within this enclosed sacred space.  But all that I could feel was the emptiness and the closure of the place.
I wondered... did the magick leave?  Or did I suck every last ounce of  It as I did the final working to "save" it and others?  I remember bits and pieces of that night.  The few that entered that place with me and stood either shoulder to shoulder with me or stood behind me as I create a protection so strong I might have just lost my soul?  I vowed that night I and only I would shoulder the karma hit to come, for doing what I did.
Where did the magick go?  I left the circle on that night so long ago and somehow went on to live my life.  Standing there in that place I wondered if there was anymore magick left in it and in me.  I wondered if I left that part of my life behind because I had to finally grow up or because I no longer believed in anything.   During the half-dozen years I worked to become a "normal" person.  I lived a hum drum life with a normal adult feelings.
I learned more during those years.  Lost contact with people, hid under the radar avoiding doing anything remotely witchy.  And now I stood back in that circle looking for something  trying to find my balance point.  Where do I go?  What do I do?   Will it turn out alright?  Can I have faith that things will be fine?  When did the magick die?
I don't know where or what is next in store for me.  I don't know what I will do even tomorrow. Or the next day. Or if we can pay all the bills.  I wonder do I really care.  I still feel lost and confused.  But I do know one thing, It is only me who can find my balance point and when I  do find it I will regain the faith I misplaced.