shattered

chapter 5

It's been a week, and I'm still trying to avoid him.
Which is ridiculous, because there's not many places I can hide, and we have group counselling sessions together.

I don't know what's happening to me. Every time I see him, I get a fluttering in my chest, my breath catches, and I blush.
I blush.
I have never blushed this much in my entire life.

Every time I look at him, he's already looking at me. I have to turn away. I can't let him get spoiled by me. I don't want him dirty like me.

Tinkling sounds for another round of group therapy. We all head towards our designated rooms.

I walk behind everyone, not paying attention to anything but putting one foot in front of the other.

My face smacks into someone's back.
"Sorry." I mumble while rubbing my nose. "Ummmm... can you move please?"

The person steps to the side and I can see why everyone has come to a standstill.

The room has changed. Theres no semi circle of chairs. Instead there are pillows sitting on the floor in random places.

I hitch an eyebrow looking for Counsellor Park. "Are we playing a game today?" I ask as soon as I spot her. Everyone is shuffling around uncomfortably behind me.

"No. I will explain in a moment. Is everyone here?" She asks.

Theres a low murmer of "yes'" in response.

"Ok. I'm going to pair you all up today, and you will tell them about your experience."

The room is completely silent as we all stare at her.

I know we talk about all this stuff in a group, but one-on-one seems so much more intimate.

She starts pairing us off. Everyone stands silently with their partner until there's only two of us left.

"... and that means _______ and Yoongi are the last pair. So, everyone, you can go wherever you like; but you need to talk. I expect everyone to share their stories with your partners. For as long as it takes. We will meet back here tomorrow and discuss." With that she claps her hands and leaves.

We all look at each other lost. Sizing up our partners. Trying to decide where to go to talk. Or even if we want to talk.

Fuck me. I don't wanna do this. If he knows my secrets I will sully him. I don't want him to know my secrets.

I watch as Yoongi comes closer to me, he takes my wrist  and with a mumbled "Let's go." drags me out the room.

We end up outside in the garden. It's quiet here. The sun is shining through the leaves of the camphor trees above us. A sense of peace settles over me, as I lean back, close my eyes and raise my face to the sky. The soft breeze rustling the leaves, strands of my hair gently blowing across my face.

I can feel his eyes on me.
"Staring's rude, you know."

A small chuckle escapes his lips which I imagine are pulled up into a slight smirk.
"Let's get on with this shall we?"

I turn my head towards his voice.
"What do you want to start with?"
"You "
My eyes snap open as I stare at him.
"Normal story. Perfect older sibling . I'm a mess. Tried to kill myself. Got sent here when it failed." I roll my eyes and shrug my shoulders at him.

His stare bores into me. I can tell he doesn't believe that, or at least he knows it's not the whole truth. I don't like speaking about the whole truth.

I don't like people knowing my dirty secrets, I don't want people to know the real me. I don't know if I even know the real me. All I know is I'm a damn mess, and being here just points it out more and more every single day.

"The truth ______. Now." His voice is a low rumble.

A small shiver runs through my body, and butterflies explode in my stomach.

"I don't even know you; and you expect me to tell you everything about myself? How do I know that you wont go around and tell everyone? How do I know that you wont think that I'm pathetic? How do I know that you wont judge me? Because you will. You will judge me. You will think I'm pathetic. You will be just like every other single fucking person I know, who thinks they know me; and they don't!" My voice is getting louder and I can't stop it.

Why can't I stop it. Why am I yelling at him. Why do I keep asking him these questions when I already know the answer. He will be just like everyone else. He will judge me. He will find out my secrets and he will think I'm the worst kind of person alive. Just like everyone else. Just like all those other people who look at me and think I have the perfect fucking life. That I don't have a valid reason be to the way I am. They don't know anything. Not a damn thing, and they all think they have the right to judge me and scoff at my reasons for being here.

We all have a backstory. Some people's are just more tragic than others, but that doesn't make my pain any less valid than theirs.

He taps my leg. My eyes snap to his.
"How do you know I would judge you? What right do I have to judge you? I haven't experienced what you have, so I can't judge you."

Hes saying the right things, but... but. I've been betrayed before. I've been fooled.

My chest starts to feel tighter. How do I know? How can I trust him? What if he betrays me?

My hand unconsciously rises to my chest rubbing to catch my breath.
What... what if... what if he thinks like everyone else? What if he thinks I'm pathetic? What if?

Oh god. My chest. Why isn't it working? Why me? Why is this happening again? Why does this happen every time? Breathe! Just fucking breathe! You don't have to think about breathing. It's something that you're meant to do naturally; but, there's nothing natural about my breathing now.

My eyes raise to his, I'm sure they look wild. He's looking at me. I can see mild panic in his eyes. He doesn't know what this is. I'm going to die. I'm actually going to die. I can't fucking breathe.

Why can't the air get into my lungs. I can feel myself walking to the edge... when I fall. When I fall, I hope I come out alive.

His hand reached out to mine. A spark erupts in my chest. Fuck. I need air.
"______? _______? Can... can you hear me?"

I nod my head knowing I don't have the breath to verbally answer him. I'm useless and stupid. Who has a panic attack when they have to talk about why they're here? What the hell is wrong with me? This is why I shouldn't be allowed around people. I'm a fucking failure. I'm not good enough. Oh God. Please save me. I don't want to die today. The edge is right in front of me. If I fall it's over. If I fall will I wake up?

"_______ look at me. Can you look at me?" I raise my eyes to meet his, but they don't stay there, I can't control them. Oh God, everyone is staring at me. Everyone is looking. Everyone is watching me being a failure. Sweat starts to bead on my forehead.

His hands are on my face, sparks explode inside me. Sparks. Explode. In me. What is he?

"______. Look at me. That's right just look at my eyes." What is he doing to me? God, I could get lost in those eyes. "Breathe with me _______, in... and out. In... and out."

I try breathing with him. A small amount of air makes it in.

My eyes are focused on him. He keeps breathing with me. He murmurs words of encouragement to me. What is he?

"That's right ______. Keep breathing with me. You've got it. That's right. In... and out. Perfect. You're perfect."

My chest loosens, and after what feels like hours; but is actually a few minutes; my breathing starts to come naturally again.

What is he? How did he do that? No one has been able to talk me down from a panic attack before. Not that they come all that often; but I usually pass out. Every time I feel like I'm going to die, but not this time. What just happened?

My eyes are still on his. His hands are still on my face.
"I wont judge you. I wont ever judge you."

I want to believe him. Why do I want to believe him? Why does he make me want to trust him? Should I trust him? I'm terrified. God, am I terrified.

I squeeze my eyes shut. Trying to gather all the courage I can. I can do this. I can trust him.
I open my eyes and look at him.