shattered

chapter 15

Oh Jesus. Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Oh God. Shit. It's okay. It's all okay. Don't stress. Shit. Shit. Shit. Ahhhhhh, fuck. Calm down. Just... just breathe. It's going to be okay... yes. Okay.

I have never been so nervous in my life. Shit. What do I do? My parents are coming. Counsellor Park called them after family day, and basically demanded they come in. Today is the day. They are coming today. And I am not ready. Not in the slightest. Not at all. Oh shit. They are going to be here after lunch.

Fuck... fuck, fuck, fuck. Oh God. I'm in so much shit. This might actually be worse than being in trouble at school.

I want to knock myself out. Oh God, can the earth just open up and swallow me whole? I don't want to hear them put me down again. I don't want to hear them say I'm not their daughter and they don't want to have anything to do with me. Oh fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I try to breathe in deeply, but it's not happening.

Stay calm. They wont do anything. They wont want to embarrass themselves. They wont want me to embarrass them. I can do this. I can be the perfect daughter. I can be everything they need me to be for the next couple of hours.

I try to talk myself down. I don't need to have an anxiety attack right now. Oh, this isn't good. I don't want to see them. I want to see them. I don't... fuck! I don't even know what I want. Why? Just why? Why can't I be perfect? Why can't I get anything right?

I lower my head to the table in front of me. Breakfast has been and gone. I managed to eat a couple of mouthfuls. Enough to keep the watchers happy at least. But now it sits like lead in my stomach. And I'm not sure if it's going to sit there forever, or if I'm going to be sick. Either is a possibility right now.

I rake my fingers through my hair. Pulling it in frustration.
Messing it up. Shit. I need to go fix my hair. I might be crazy. But I can't look like it when my parents are here.

Sera sits with a couple of people from her group across from me at the breakfast table, looking at me with concern in their eyes. Maybe they think I have completely lost the plot right now. They might not be wrong.  Sera always has people around her. I wish I could attract people like she does.

They're talking quietly amongst themselves, throwing looks at me when I groan. I must be annoying the crap out of them. But I just don't care.

They aren't me. They don't know how anxious this is making me. Fuck me. If I don't calm down I'm going to have an panic attack soon. I really don't need one of those today. Dear God. Please not today.

The chair moves slightly as someone sits down next to me. I rotate my head to the side to look at them. Yoongi. I let out a groan and roll my head back to where it was.

I don't want him to see me like this.

I feel him bump my shoulder.

"What's wrong _____?"

Another groan escapes me. I'm just a bloody groaning mess right now. Words. I have words. I know words. So why the fuck am I only groaning. Fuck me. Be a human!

Another shoulder bump.

"Do that again. I fucking dare you." My voice is quiet.

He does it again. Of course he does it again.

I roll my head to the side to glare at him.

"What's wrong ______?"

"Parents. Coming. After. Lunch."

And then it hits. Panic attack. In the middle of the common room at a fucking breakfast table.

I'm drowning. And my lungs feel like they have filled with water. I can't breathe again.

I look up at him. My eyes begging to be saved. He knows how to save me. He knows how to drag me out of this pit of hell.

"Oh... oh... what's wrong ____? ______?"
Fuck I wish Sera's friends would shut up. They aren't helping. I can't even remember his name... Beom... something? Nam? Beom...

Oh Jesus. I don't even fucking care. I'm fucking drowning and I'm trying to remember his name instead of trying to breathe. I'm a fucking idiot.

Someone's hands are on me. And they aren't Yoongi's or Sera's. Who the fuck is touching me?! I raise my hands to push them away, it's so hard. My hands feel like they have been encased in concrete.

Why are they so heavy?

"Don't fucking touch her." His words come out as a low growl. It startles me enough to draw in a small amount of air. Air. I need more air. Fuck. Breathe. Just breathe.

"I'm just trying to help her for fucks sake. More than what you're doing."

Oh God. Everyone here must be looking at me. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. They're all going to think I'm more of a freak than normal.

"Fuck off. I know how to help her. All you're fucking doing is bringing her more unwanted attention."

With that said, Yoongi makes me spin around so I am facing him. He cups my face, ignoring the grumbling from Beom whatever.

"______. Look at me." He croons. His voice is like honey coating my shattered soul. "Come on ______. Look at me. Only me. Ignore everyone else, they don't matter."

My eyes slowly make their way to his.

"There's only you and me here. Just look at me. I'm going to move your hands now, okay?"

He gently picks one of my hands up and lays it on his chest. Then he takes my other hand and lays it on top. His large hands then cup my face again.

"Feel that? Feel the breath going in and out? Breathe with me ______. That's right. In. And out. In and out."

My breath starts to hitch. Air is getting in. Not large amounts, but some.

"That's it, perfect. You're so perfect. In. And out. Yes. You're doing great. You've got this."

My eyes are locked on him. No one else exists in this moment. No one else matters. Just him and me.

And I'm breathing.

He doesn't leave my side. He just sits next to me quietly. Watching me. Which is weird, but at the same time... I feel wanted.

Sera, Beom whoever and Minseo sit across from us. Sera tried to make them leave. But they insisted on staying to make sure I was okay.

I don't know why they would even care. They're Sera's friends, not mine.

Lunch is a quiet affair. Every time I feel myself start to panic. Yoongi is there. He knows as soon as the emotions start to bubble up, and he will squeeze my hand or bump my shoulder.

Letting me know hes still there. He's ready to catch me if I fall.

The doors open. And my heart stops as I see my parents walk in.