State of Heart

Addict

I wouldn't say I'm an addict.

I don't smoke. Cigarettes taste bitter and make me cough, the poisonous puffs making my throat and lungs burn. I don't do drugs. Whether it's popping prescription pills, snorting up magic dust, blowing my veins by shooting up, or inhaling the happy plant, none of it has ever appealed to me. I don't really drink. I'm too much of a control freak to allow myself to lose that control and blackout. I don't shop until I drop. Drifting aimlessly from store to store as my pocket gets lighter and lighter is not something I fancy. I don't sleep around. Going to bed with someone I barely know scares me too much because there's so little they know about me and vice versa. I don't binge eat. There are days I have to remind myself that I need to eat while other days I practically turn my nose up at everything. I don't live at the gym. I wouldn't say I'm lazy but working out is more of a chore to me that I knock out almost every morning, though I want it done as quickly as possible. Television, gambling, playing games, hoarding...none of it catches my attention.

These activities -these...things don't haunt or torture my mind. They don't interrupt or interfere with my day. They don't corrupt my mood or make me feel a certain kind of way. They don't make my body twitch and ache without them in my life. I am in no way affected with or without them as others are. I can live my life in perfect harmony whether I partake in them or not. I am just fine.

So, I wouldn't say I'm an addict.

Even as I sit here, my eyes staring at the wall across from me, the tears glossing them. Even as a hole forms in my chest, my breathing hoarse and heavy. Even as my heart races against my ribs with a frantic force, causing my pulse to throb in my ears. Even as my hands tremble, my fingers twitching and fidgeting with the wrinkles in my shirt. Even as I bite my lips as hard as I humanly can to fight back the sobs. I am not an addict.

But I crave it.

I want it.

I need it.

Just once. I just need to do it once and I'll be okay. I won't do it again after that. I'll be perfectly content and fine. Or maybe I won't. Alright, I just need two more times with this. I'll stop after that. I won't ever do it again after that. Or perhaps three more times. Odds are always better in chances of three. Okay, okay. I'll do it three more times and then I'll be done for good. Then I'll never, ever, ever do it again.

But I like the way this makes me feel. It makes everything disappear and for a moment I don't hurt. For a moment my soul doesn't ache, and I don't feel like the dirt beneath their shoes. Tears don't threaten to spill, and I have utter control over everything for just a moment. I control everything when it comes to this. Everything is perfectly under control.

Why won't they just let me do it? It doesn't affect them, anyway. This has nothing to do with them. Nothing at all. If they don't like it, they should just look the other way. They should just mind their own business and leave me the hell alone. I don't deny them their fixes. I don't threaten them with isolation and imprisonment as they do with me. Why can't they just let me have one little fix? I don't ask for much. It costs them nothing. They won't pay a thing. Yet, they still deny me.

I swear I'm not an addict.

So, what if this crosses my mind every day? So, what if my body twitches whenever I think about it? So, what if I feel like I'll die without it? That doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean anything at all. I can give it up whenever I want. I did it before. Granted, I didn't want to. They stopped me. That's not the point. The point is that I could stop whenever I want. I'll get bored eventually. It's only been eleven years. That's not that long. That's not long at all.

I get angry when I think about them taking it away from me. How dare they! They had no right! That was mine. It belongs to me! Me. That was my fix -my treasure. They had no authority to take it away from me. None whatsoever. Don't they understand what this has done to me? Don't they know how much this hurts to not have it? Of course, they don't. They'll never know...they'll never understand.

I want it. I want it. I want it. I want it. I want it. I want it. I want it. I want it. I want it. I want it. I wa-

I need it.

I need it so damn much. It's all I have. It's all I crave. It's all I know. It's all I want. It's all I desire. It's all I think about. It's all that takes the pain away and makes the noise quiet. It's all that makes me feel okay even if it's only for a moment. Please...I'm on my knees begging...just let me have it back. I won't ask for anything else. Please. Do me this one favor.

I promise I'm not an addict.

I'm not an addict.

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I'm...an addict.

© 2019 K.N. Herzner