State of Heart

For Right Now

If it were as easy as one, two, three...I'd change me. I'd do it in a heartbeat. If it meant leaving this dark place where I keep my skeletons tucked away, I'd leave it. I'd wave my magic wand and poof away every insecurity, fear, and phobia. I'd fix my head and cure the addiction that pumps through my veins. I'd clean away all the muck and crap that clogs my mind. Those thoughts I try so hard to fight I'd make disappear and that pain that tugs at my chest I'd heal. There's so much I'd gladly change and fix...but there's one that I'm scared to show.

This secret in my head so few know. They see the smile on my face but I'm dying inside while trying to conceal this. It's a mess that's tangled itself into all other aspects of my life. My anxiety and moods are driven by this secrecy. How I wish I could just let it out and be free...but freedom comes with a cost and this cost is too great. I can scavenge and search, but there's not enough. Even with the pennies I found under the couch cushions, I am hopelessly broke.

I've made it through so much. I fought like hell to get where I am. Bloodied and bruised I climbed the mountain that Miley said is an uphill battle. I did it and I should be proud. With every day that goes by I survived again even though my own mind is pointing a loaded gun at my head. I fight the silent battles in my head, fist clenched, and teeth gritted. I bite my tongue so hard that blood fills my mouth, but I swallow it. I swallow it and move on.

I'm tough and stronger than they think. I've looked death in the eyes and smiled. I beat the odds and came back after hell tried to tear me down...over and over and over again. Like the cockroach, I am resilient and hard to kill. I'm a survivor of the uncurable and fighter when it comes to thoughts. There's so much I've been through but this...this I did not see coming.

I should have.

The signs were there all along. It was so painfully obvious, but I was so hopelessly oblivious. I did not know that what it was would be so critical. It may not defy who I am as an individual, but it still plays a part in my story and that's why it hurts. It hurts because I cannot share this. This secret which is slowly choking me leaves me without acceptance.

And I cannot afford that, so I'll bury and hide it for as long as I can. I'll fake the reactions they expect and dream up perfect scenarios in my head. Maybe one day I'll be able to leave the cozy place where I hide my skeletons and wrap myself with the rainbow. Maybe there'll be a day where I don't feel scared to love fearlessly.

But for now -just for right now- I'm going to be the person they think I am.

The person who is cracked and bruised, but not tainted by this sin which is part of me. That's who I'll be...for now. Just for right now. Please, don't lose faith in me now.

© 2019 K.N. Herzner