State of Heart

Prince Charming

I could have walked away.

I could have thrown my hands up and walked away. That would have been the sensible thing to do. That would have been the rational and level-headed decision to make, but that wasn't me. I wasn't smart or judicious in my judgment. I was rash and reckless. I was rash and reckless and just stupid. That was me and for some reason, that didn't bother me. It should have. It should have bothered me, but it didn't.

Even when I saw the expression on his face. Even when I saw the pain in his eyes. Even when I saw the way the tears rolled down his cheeks...I just smirked. Like a jackass, I just smirked and kept going, letting him watch everything I did. Everything we were doing. Every little moan he heard. Every kiss he saw. Every ounce of pain he felt I completely disregarded. I was cold and didn't care.

I know I'm a monster for that. I broke his heart, after all. I slept with his best friend as if it were nothing and I didn't stop even after he walked in on us. I just kept going, grinning like a lunatic. I was supposed to be someone he could trust, and Collin was supposed to be his best friend. We were both people he was supposed to rely on, but we let him down. We let him down and because of that, we both lost him.

At first, I didn't see the big deal. So, what if he packed up all his things and moved out? So, what if he severed his friendship with Collin? So, what if Collin blames me for that? So, what if our relationship ended? At the time, I didn't care. For the first time in our three-year-long relationship, I was free. I could go and do whatever I wanted. I could go out and get shitfaced drunk while at the club. I could bring home any guy I wanted. I could stay out all night and sleep all day. I could do whatever I pleased.

But after some time, that lifestyle of partying and sleeping around got to me. It became empty and lonely, just like the apartment I used to share with him. It was as if my own home began to mock me, reminding me of how good I had it. Of how good I had it with him.

It's ironically funny. I always thought he was boring and bland. He never wanted to go out to the clubs or party. He always preferred staying in and watching movies while we cuddled. It used to annoy me how he'd hold me close and bury his face in my neck. But now...I miss that. I miss feeling him against me as his hot breath rolled across my skin. I miss staying in and watching movies. I miss the plans we used to make. I miss the future we had discussed, but it's too late to change anything.

"I guess you had to learn the hard way, Tyler," Delores scoffs.

I can feel her cold stare glaring at me, but I can't bring myself to meet her eyes. Not now. Not after seeing him. Not after seeing him so happily wrapped in the arms of another. Not after seeing him press his lips to that man's lips. Not after feeling that twinge of pain stab my heart. If this is anything like what he felt when he saw Collin and me, then...then I really am a monster.

Delores continues, "His name is Joel. He's a good man and he makes Aaron very happy."

I tear my gaze from them and bring it to her. She is standing, her brilliantly blue eyes gazing at her son and his new partner. The corners of her lips are drawn up as the contentment floats in her stare. I never saw that acceptance from her before. Not when I was with Aaron, anyway. Whenever she used to look at me, I just saw judgment and distaste in her gaze. Then again, Delores never was my number one fan and she made sure we all knew it.

"Ya know, you're not a bad person, Tyler," she sighs, glimpsing up at me.

I snort, "Ha. Funny coming from you. I thought you hated my guts."

"I don't hate you," she shrugs. "I hated you with my son. Let's be honest, Tyler. You and Aaron were an odd pairing from the beginning. I mean, look at my Aaron. Intelligent, educated, and family-oriented. Then look at you. A high school dropout, wild, and ran away from home at sixteen."

"What can I say? Opposites attract."

"Pfft," she chuckles. "Maybe in some cases, but you and Aaron were too different. Nothing about you two made sense."

I feel slightly attacked. This woman...I knew she never liked me, but I didn't think she had it out for me like this. I mean, I was a constant in her life for three years. Her son and I lived together. I went to all the family events...when I let him drag me along. Still, I was there.

"Be honest with yourself, Tyler," Delores breathes. "You know that you and Aaron were never a good fit. The things he wanted you had no desire for, and your lifestyle was one he detested."

I knit my brows. "What are you getting at, Delores?"

She shoots me a sharp glance. "You two wanted different things. You are perfectly content living in the limelight. You thrive off the ecstasy of the wild side and will drink yourself into a stupor."

"Hey. I wouldn't say it's a stupor."

"Oh, honey. I've seen you drunk, and it is indeed a stupor. There's been too many nights where Aaron had to care for you because you were so drunk off your ass."

I shrug, "So, what? I like to drink."

She lifts a brow. "And you think Aaron wanted to deal with that all his life? To sit there and babysit his boyfriend? He didn't want that. He didn't want that at all. He wants more than cleaning up another grown man's vomit and the stench of booze. He wants a life -a family, a home, something worthwhile."

Her words strike me. I already knew that. I knew that more than she'd ever know. I knew that because Aaron had been vocal about his desires. I knew he wanted to build a life. I knew he wanted a nice house. I knew he wanted to have children. I knew he wanted the family experience. I knew all that and I still did what I did. I still hurt him. And I still pushed him away.

"Let's be honest," Delores says, interrupting my thoughts. "You are not the family type. Your upbringing wasn't necessarily ideal. Your mother abandoned you when you were a toddler and your father was a drunk. Then you were abandoned by him when you came out at sixteen. I'll admit, you grew up in an environment that wasn't nurturing. You use sex as a substitution for love and -"

"Don't," I swallow harshly. "Don't sit there and evaluate me like I'm one of your patients, Delores because I'm not. I'm not a damn psych patient and I'm not fucking damaged goods."

"But you are, Tyler," she whispers, sorrow filling her eyes. "You are damaged. You were abandoned and hurt by those who were supposed to love you most. So, you are unable to reciprocate any love that is given to you. That's why you rejected my son's love, but you took his love for granted. You thought he'd never leave you and, in the end, he did. But he didn't leave you to hurt you. He left you because you hurt him and as his mother, I have to fight myself from hurting you." Tears begin to gloss her eyes. "I had to fight myself. I had to keep myself from ripping you apart for hurting my boy.

"I had to tell myself that all I could do was be there to dry his tears. And I did. I dried them and pat his back. I comforted him and fixed what you broke. And now that he's finally moved on and happy with someone who wants all the same things he wants; you decide to reappear." She shakes her head. "But I won't let you. I won't let you hurt him again and sabotage what he has because Joel is a good man for Aaron. Do you hear me? He's a good man for my son."

I can see the sincerity in her eyes. I couldn't miss it even if I wanted to. That familiar expression of distress that I recognize too much. It wasn't just Aaron that I hurt. I wounded Delores as well. Her having to stitch her broken son's heart back together tore her to pieces. It seems I break everything I touch.

I stuff my hands into my jacket's pockets and huff, "I get it. I can take a hint. He's happy and, to be honest, I don't want to take that from him. I hurt him enough." I bring my eyes to the happy couple beyond the window. "Aaron deserves that much from me. So, I won't bother you again. Have a good evening, Delores."

I turn to walk away when her voice meets my ears. "I do wish you happiness, Tyler. I hope that you can learn to accept love because you do deserve it. You deserve to feel all the joy that Aaron does. I know he would want that for you."

I stop briefly and sigh, "Thanks. I appreciate it."

And at that, I leave. I walk away, leaving behind the Prince Charming I let slip through my fingers. Though I know he's happy with his and I hope they remain in that happiness. I hope they follow all their dreams. That's my wish for them. To just be happy.

© 2019 K.N. Herzner