State of Heart

The Father and the Son

"Ollie! Ollie, wake up!"

No. No, I don't want to. I don't feel like getting up. I want to stay here, just like this, burrowed in my bed beneath my comforter. I want to stay here with my eyelids draped closed. I want to stay here and just sleep the day away. That's what I want to do. That's all I ever want to do. Just sleep.

"Damn it, Ollie. Get out of that damn bed!" my father orders, flinging my blanket back.

My mother pulls open my curtains, allowing the morning gleams to filter in through my window, causing me to wince. The light hurts my eyes and the cool air stings my skin, making me draw my limbs close to myself as I ball my body up. I'm cold and I'm tired. I'm always cold and tired. So, I never want to get up, but they never listen to me. They just do things like this.

"Ollie, get your ass outta bed!" my father snaps, grabbing my arm and yanking me up. I just flinch as he continues, "You wanna drop outta school, then fine, but you're not gonna be a lazy bum like your uncle!"

My throat goes dry.

Uncle Max. I haven't seen him in...in how long? I don't even know how many days I've been locked up here in my room; let alone how long it's been since I've seen uncle Max. How old was I when I last saw him, anyway? Eleven? Twelve? I don't know. I can't remember. Do I want to remember? Maybe, then again, maybe not.

"If you ain't gonna get an education, then you're gonna get yourself a job!" my father bellows, his deep voice making me flinch. He's so loud.

"Jerry, calm down. Go easy on him," my mother pleads.

My father snaps his head to my mother's direction and spits, "Go easy on him? Go easy on him? Whaddaya think I'm doin', Peg? Any easier and he'll just expect room service!" He returns his glare to me and tightens his grip. "Listen to me, Peg. You've swaddled this boy. You've been goin' easy on him his whole life. If he ain't gonna get himself a proper education, then it's time he mans up and gets himself a job. Or would you prefer he ended up like that no-good, lowlife, son of a bitch brother of yours?"

That's right. Max is Mom's brother.

I bring my gaze to my mother. Her expression...she looks wounded. Her big, brown eyes appear watery, the forming tears glossing them as her lower lip trembles. My father's insult struck a chord with her. But this shouldn't be surprising to her, really. My father has always had a sharp tongue and even hotter temper, something she knew before she married the fucker.

Whoa. Why am I suddenly so angry? I can't recall ever feeling this way before. The adrenaline surging through my veins is so foreign to me. My face heating up from this bizarre emotion makes me want to stand under an icy waterfall. Above all, my hands are balling into fists, the thought of pounding them into my father's face flashes through my mind. I can't help but grin at the fantasy of my knuckles contacting my father's jaw. How exhilarating and liberating would that feel?

"And what are you smirkin' for?" my father growls, giving me a harsh shake. "I'm not playing around when I say you're gettin' a job, Ollie. No son of mine will lay about all day and do nothin'. You're gonna earn your keep, boy."

Earn my keep. As if I haven't done that all my life. Always getting good grades in school if I didn't want to stand on one leg for hours...always behaving for the teacher if I wanted to eat dinner that night...always helping my father around the farm in every spare moment if I didn't want to be struck by the cord...always serving my father at his every call if I didn't want to be slapped. Always doing as I was told. Always being afraid. Always shaking from fear. Always obeying like the obedient little pup, I was.

But I'm not a pup anymore.

I'm not that same scared little boy who hid under the covers from his father after he drank too much. I'm not the same kid who was too anxious to fall asleep because he was afraid he wouldn't hear his father calling for him, only to be met with the punishment of a belt whipping his thighs. I'm not a child anymore. I may be his son, but I refuse to be a victim anymore because this isn't "tough love".