Banana

Part 18: disasters

Lauren jauregui found once again at the hospital? Is our star ok? Is there something we don't know? Things seem to be taking a turn for the worst for our pop star.

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Camila's Pov

She's incredible. Her eyes shine bright enough to resemble a star. Her face looks perfectly sculpted as if the gods themselves made her to invade my dreams. Her voice sounds like the cry of an angel. Her touch feels like the touch of a god. She's incredible. She's perfect. She's the star. I'm the invisible girl. I'm the opposite of a star. She's the calm. I'm the chaos. She has a girlfriend, I lied about mine.
I lied
I lied
" I lied!"
I can't help but scream out the words I've so badly wanted to mutter to her for weeks. I lied, Lauren. I love her, of course I do, I've been staring at my phone for weeks,hours go by of me sitting next to my wall and staring at a black screen. She's perfect. I'm not. She's taken . I'm rotting inside waiting for her. I gave her my all , she took it happily and gave me a memory in return, but I wanted more. I'm hopelessly gripping to this life. Hopelessly fighting for survival. My fathers touch can't be erased from me, my scars will never heal, my mother will never come back. Sometimes, mostly during these weeks, I look to the sky. I come to the peer more often now. I no longer talk to my mom, that's for hopeful people, I simply stare and think. Thinking about your body drowning in the same place of your mother's death might be dark, but so am I. Sometimes I think of how ironic it would be if my life ended at the same place it well, ended.

Lauren Jauregui is the pop star who took the world by surprise. She came out of nowhere and like a perfectly tuned machine she gave everyone something to love her for. She gave me a reason to love her. She sold out her first concert when she was only 16. Went on her first tour at 17. And at 18 she was voted the most popular pop star in the world. She gave it her all. I am. Camila. I lost my world at 14. At 15 I was diagnosed with anxiety and put on medication. At 16 I suffered my first attack , I had to be carried from the school to the hospital by ambulance. And at 17 I was nearly on my death bed. I am Camila cabello, the lost cause.
Sometimes I wonder what the point of living is. I wonder what it matters if I suffer some more . I've given the gods everything I have already, what more can they take. I lost my childhood, my innocence, my real first time, I gave them everything. I lost my father. And now I've lost the woman I've loved since a kid. Sitting on the edge of the peer I wonder. What if I did jump? What if I didn't fight for air? What if my lungs filled with water and there was no one there for me? My best friend could replace me any day, Lauren wouldn't miss me, my father has better things. I'm all alone. I would leave this world exactly as my mother. Alone. Except she wasn't alone, she took everything I had , and I hate her for it.
I stand up on my feet fighting the cold breeze .
I look down to the almost green water. My eyes are barely able to register anything from my tears.

And I jump
I fly.

I feel the wind hit my cheek, almost like a mother's caressing Hand. I give one last look at the sky to see the dark clouds that have formed. Then the cold surrounds me, the black surrounds my body like a storm.

Black
I've always loved black.
When you're in pitch black you can't feel the sickening loneliness you can feel in the light .
I've always wondered what it would feel to give up. I'd never really given up until now, but now with nothing left to lose I give in to my urges and let every heartache flow into my lungs with the water.
One breath
Two breaths
Three breaths
Zero .

The light somehow manages to break from the thick pools of water. It creeps in like an invader. I see it. I see her.
Lauren Jauregui

Lauren jauregui is perfect
Lauren Jauregui is a goddess
Lauren jauregui is the love of my life
Lauren jauregui is here.

I feel her embrace like a mother's hug. I feel her kiss like a baby being born. I feel her touch vibrating off me. Her laugh giving me oxygen to breathe. I feel my self give in to her magic. I feel myself let go.
I can still feel. My hair tickles my face is I sink farther into the abyss that is my mind.my lungs burn. My eyes ache,probably red by now. I can still feel when I feel myself being pulled up towards the sky. I guess that's where you go when you die. You go to the sky. That's a funny thought. I laugh under what feels like my own tears with the rest of my pent up strength .
And then my eyes close.
I let go .
And then I feel my phone vibrate next to my head.