the monster in i

1

"jump."

the wind lightly kisses my face as his cruel voice gives the command.

"go ahead, girl. don't be a pussy." he was getting frustrated with me, i could tell. "jump."

i closed my eyes and took a frightful step forward but paused before i broke air. i didn't want to do this. i hated this. i just wanted to go home, sit in my room and listen to sad songs all day. i had new books i "burrowed" from the book store that i wanted to read too.

"goddamnit, winter." exasperation was in his voice now as he walked forward and put his large hands on my slim shoulders. i smelled nicotine on his breath as he spoke again. "it's ten meters deep. a fucking ten year old could do it easier than you and you're fucking 18." even with my eyes shut, i could sense the shaking of his head behind me.

that made a little spark of anger rise up and i acted on it, not caring of the consequences i knew was going to come my way after they left my mouth.

my eyes snapped open and i turned to look at him, my father.

"of course it would be fucking easier for a ten year old because his fucking parents taught him how to fucking swim at age 2." i sneered at him hatefully. "you and the cunt - who's currently playing with your dick right now - didn't give a rats ass if i knew how to swim. that is, not until the whole situation at swim class last week." i crossed my arms and realized this was the longest i've exchanged words with him.

this last sentence was what got me though:

"if mom was still here, she would've taught me how to fucking swim with all the fucking children my age 15 years ago but guess what, she couldn't. because of you!"

i screamed the last part, too caught up in what i was saying to get a good look at what he was expressing. i wished i would've stopped before my emotions got the best of me. but i couldn't help it. i bottled all the shit in my life up and sometimes, sometimes unexpectedly, can be destructive.

his reaction to my words were instant. clenching and unclenching his fists, his breathing became labored with undeterred madness and he reached out -knowing i couldn't swim - and backed me off the platform.

i was falling, almost in slow motion as my hands flew above me as if to catch onto something before i hit the water. the water might be ten feet deep as he said but the dive board was thirty to thirty five .

and that was fucking scary.

he had his hands on his hips, watching me descend. a satisfied grin was on his face.

fuck i hate you, were my last words before i enveloped into the freezing swimming pool.

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