the monster in i

7

 p. o. v. - winter

losing a parent is different than your child. or so i've been told. 

 a child that you raised to be an adult, to take care of themselves, teaching them right and wrong, to be strong and independent, is one of the hardest moments to lose. Of course, i only lost my mother so it's not really the same but contrary to beliefs, if a child is attached - which they mostly are- it's harder for them to cope. their mother, the one who nurtures and guides them, is one of the tremendous things to lose. 

i was about 2 years old when she died. my dad told me this when i was old enough and wouldn't stop asking him where she was. in the back of my mind, though, i still had a strong connection that she was somehow alive and well. another part of me resented her for missing almost all of my life and accepted the fact that if she ever did return that i wouldn't accept her with open arms. she was my mother, yes. she gave me life but she wasn't here when i needed her the most.

i know a lot of teens my age are dealing with more shitty lives than me but i've never met anyone that understands my situation or vice versa. i'm not one to start a conversation first and despise talking to people. i'm antisocial as fuck and i take no shame in it as i don't mind being alone. i don't have any friends because i can depend on myself. i can only trust me, no body else.

 what's to say they won't up and leave like my mother did me?

so yes, i have a right to be a bitch to everyone i talk to. i don't give two flying fucks if they get mad or, even better, offended. their anger fuels my amusement; makes me feel alive. i get off on it and if that make me a psychopath then so be it.

 i shall take every single critic and smile through the loathing i have for human beings. the world would be a lot better without thousands of ignorant people occupying this planet. 

[][][][][][][

a whiny moan woke me in the middle of the night.

i sighed. i knew exactly what was going on; this happened very frequently. 

these walls were thin and my fathers room was right next to mine so i could hear every single slap, whine, and grunts from them. 

another one of his 'lady friends' , i thought, rolling my eyes. i turned over to grab my headphones but before i could block out their sounds, i heard my father let out an animal like roar, his woman echoing him with her own sounds of pleasure. 

i turned over on my side, quickly plugging in the noise blockers and blasting hard rock music. closing my eyes, i took a deep breath and thought, this motherfucker better not get her pregnant.

that was the last thing i needed right now.

the time on my phone read 0255, sunday morning. three and a half more hours until i would have to wake up. even on the weekends i still woke up early. 

i closed my eyes and focused on the music, letting myself drift to five finger death punch.

~~

"I feel like running away
I'm still so far from home
You say that I'll never change
But what the fuck do you know?"

 <REMEMBER EVERYTHING - FFDP>