Harry Potter At College

President Horseshuckle

So every University has its president. Our president is a mob boss. But like a reverse mob boss. He's the mob boss that mob bosses are afraid of. I'm pretty sure he thrives on evil, and if that's the case a university is definitely the place to be.

Anyway even though there are a ton of students that go here, President Horseshuckle makes it a point to meet with every single one of us. There are academic advisors, but to be honest I've never meet mine. I apparate away whenever new people try to talk to me.

Anyway President Horseshuckle meets with every student once a year, and today was my day. Meeting with the president of the University. On the same day that I killed another student.

And I know I said he thrives off evil, but I was still nervous so I lit up on some weed before I left to go to my talk. I guess I could have tried to skip out on him but I've heard that he hunts you down if you do, and I don't need that, so I took a shower, sprayed some cologne, and suddenly found myself outside the president's office.

Two dementors, both dressed to the nines in tuxedos, stood guard at the door. The one on the left bowed slightly as I approached. The one on the right checked a list, nodded to the other one, and they let me in.

"Hey, you've got something on your shirt," I said to the left dementor, pointing at a spot on it's lapel. It looked down and I flicked my finger up, catching it on the nose with a "Hah, gotcha."

It looked at me and I just kept walking. Five steps into the president's office brought me to a chair and I sat down, grinning.

The president appraised me, although I couldn't see his face because it was shrouded in shadow. The tip of a cigar burned in his mouth and it's glow lit only the thick black beard.

He put his hands together, splaying his fingers, "well, well, well, Harry Potter. How are you enjoying the University?"

I squinted at President Horseshuckle's cigar. "You're on fire." I said.

President Horseshuckle chuckled, "there's no need for flattery here, Mr. Potter. Really, you can tell me what you think."

A cloud of smoke drifted out from the President's shadow, engulfing my face. It smelled acrid and I coughed, "fat clouds bruh," I said. The old fashioned furniture and opulence of the room were confusing me, and the wallpaper being made out of tuition bills didn't help with my stress levels.

The President didn't respond for a moment. Then he took a large breath, "look Potter," he said, "I had planned to be jovial towards you during this meeting, but here are the facts. You are taking the easiest possible course load we offer, every class that you're taking is a gen Ed, and you're failing every single one. You haven't shown up to class a single day, and your academics counselor hasn't even been able to talk to you. It's remarkable that you are even enrolled here, as you haven't even applied yet. I know you think you're all that because you were the star of the wizarding world for a time, but really Potter, you're a talentless hack who will die poor and alone in a sewer if you don't get your life together. Do you understand?"

I watched President Horseshuckle throughout the tirade, wondering how he was talking so clearly through the cigar. Its glowing tip wiggled back and forth as he spoke. When he finished I'd missed most of it.

"Yes sir," I said, saluting.

"Very well, you may go."