Lost

Chapter 6

Jesy POV:

So yesterday was rather difficult. We had rehearsals for the LM5 tour and all I did was screwing up. After the girls came over for a girls night, we had loads of fun.

It was now 12 o'clock. I look around. Everyone still asleep.

‚Good morning fatty patty. What did I tell you? Don't fucking eat you disgusting piece of rubbish. I will punish you for this. Go for a 1hour jog you lazy arse.'

Getting up, I groan. Everything hurts. But I have to go. I am too fat and too lazy. Glancing another look in the mirror, I take my clothes, put them on and leave the house. God I didn't go for a jog in ages. Holy shit everything hurts. But I have to keep going. For my body. Finally the hour is over. Entering the house I heard someone crying. I carefully enter the living room, seeing Perrie crying. Eyeing me, she runs up to me and pulling me in a bone crushing hug. „Jessica oh my god I was so worried? What the hell have you done?" „I just went for a jog that's all" „Damn you didn't go for a jog in ages. What made you do it?" „Uh... I don't know. Just felt like it." Nodding, she finally let go of me. „Guys I'll quickly jump into the shower and then I'll make us lunch, okay?" They all nod and I get upstairs to finally shower myself. There it was again. The mirror. I hate it but I feel the urge to look into it.

‚You see now why you need to lose some weight? Look at your thighs, belly, arms, boobs, butt, neck and face. You see what I see? Fat. All fat. But I'm here to help you look skinny to finally find a boyfriend. Because no one wants an ugly, fat and cheap bitch like you. Look at Perrie, Leigh or Jade. They all are skinny and have got lovely boyfriends. And you are the fat one. But I'll say it again. I'll help you get skinny.'

Now I notice tears rolling down my cheeks. Why do I have to be so ugly and fat? In the shower I always draw something against the foggy glass. This time I paint a skinny person. That's how I wanna look. After the shower I wanted to know my weight. With a beating heart I step on the scale. 63; 64. 64kg. I already lost 1kg.

‚Wow look at that. See what I mean? You lost a kilo in just two days. But I want you to lose more. Maybe reach the 60kg?'

I smile and put it back. Heading downstairs, Perrie flashes me a smile. „Yaaay we finally are about to get foooood! I am hungraaaayyyyyy!" „Pez have you taken any drugs or why are you like this?" „The hunger makes me feel like Beyoncaaaaayyyyyy." „She is called Beyoncé." Cooking lunch is very hard for me. The smell of food disgusts me. But I don't wanna let the girls know. Pretending everything was okay, I make my way to the kitchen. What shall I cook? Maybe mince and dumplings will do it. Perrie, Jade and Leigh Anne glady helped me. The plates are filled and we sit on the table. I just stare at the food. Should I eat or not? The girls keep talking and laughing not noticing that I am not eating. I need to get out of here or I'll throw up. Getting up from my chair, I finally got some attention. „Where are you going Jess? Are you not hungry or something?" „N-no. I-I am not hungry. Can't eat." Jade turns back to her food. On the balcony the voice keeps talking to me.

‚Well done Jessica. You managed to skip a meal and even lie to the girls. If you keep doing this, you'll lose weight much faster than you think. I told you, listen to me, let me help you, to make your dream of becoming skinny will come true. Each meal you skip, you get one step closer. Each day you work out, you get two steps closer. If you don't eat and work out, you get five huge steps closer. So just listen to me okay? I will help you.'