Holding Back [COMPLETED]

Chapter 38 - "I don't want to talk."

When Haley woke the next day, she didn't know whether she had slept for ten minutes or ten hours. Her heart felt sore like someone had rung it out, trying to squeeze all the life from it. Even though she was awake, she didn't move, she couldn't find a reason too. The events of the previous night weighed down her mind, making movement and even thoughts too much.

A knock came on her door, but she didn't bother responding. After a second, it swung open and she heard footsteps.

"Hales, you still asleep?" Matt asked. "It's one in the afternoon."

Haley thought about replying but didn't. Matt rounded the bed and stared down at her, a frown of concern creasing his brows.

"I'm guessing you had to tear everything down before you got home," he said. "Was it a rough night?"

Isaac's angry face flashed into Haley's mind. She swallowed, trying not to let it hurt her again.

"You could say that," she mumbled.

Matt's lips twisted downward in sympathy.

"I'm sorry, but hey, you did an amazing job on the fair and I wanted to say how impressed I was of it all."

Haley curled her fingers around the edge of her pillow wanting to forget all of it.

"Thanks."

Matt surveyed the room.

"I know it sounds strange but you haven't seen my hacky sack by any chance, have you? I'm missing it and some guy at work asked if I had one."

Sliding one hand out from under the covers, Haley took the hacky sack that was tucked behind her bed lamp and held it up to Matt. It wasn't like she needed it anymore.

"Hey, thanks," he said. "I'm off, I'll see you later, Hales."

Haley gave a weak nod, curling herself up as the door closed. Every bit of her felt tired. She tried to convince herself that it had been the late night, not having gotten home until three, but there was a hollowness in her chest that said otherwise. The minutes ticked by, but Haley didn't move.

When the fog of sleep eventually left her mind, she was faced with thoughts that she couldn't bear to confront. She sat up and shoved her blankets away. Though she hated herself for it, her attention drifted to Jace's balcony. The curtains were shut as if locking her out.

Shaking her head, Haley told herself that it was better this way, their friendship hadn't been real to start with. The hole in her stomach made food pointless and so she went for the second-best distraction. Collecting her computer, she climbed back onto her bed. There was one final essay to write for her author project and she figured it would take enough brainpower to keep her unwanted thoughts at bay.

As she began to write about how perspective shaped opinions, her hands stilled. The events of the previous night rushed back at her. Part of her had begun to imagine that her view of life had been wrong, a perspective that had needed to be changed, but that wasn't true.

She had been right. All the time she had imagined that relationships only brought pain was true. She had first-hand proof that again that it wasn't worth it. The sentiment was echoed in the gnawing pain in her chest.

Thoughts dive-bombed her and she buried her face in her hands, wanting to shut off her brain, wanting to mute Isaac's accusations, wanting to forget the memories of Jace, Ty, and Josie that were fighting back. Around and around her mind whirled until Haley felt she was going to scream and break apart.

Unable to stand it, she clambered off her bed. She was standing on her balcony facing Jace's window with nothing to throw at it before she even knew what she was doing. A part of her berated herself for even wanting to talk to him, wanting to see his smile knowing it would remind her that not everything in the world was lost.