BITCH, PLEASE! | misc. ✈❄

xv. long time, no talk

essence's log
december 31, 2019
10:24 pm

its new years eve.
the decade is almost over.
this year i've experienced so much.

i experienced my first love.
i experienced my first heartbreak.

i fell in love with my best friend of almost 2 years.
i found out that my best friend of almost 2 years is gay.

i lost my irl best friend.
i got my irl best friend back.

i auditioned for the fall play and got the role.
i had to drop out of my first show because of my grades.

i got all as and bs in the first quarter.
i disappointed my parents in a way i never did before because my grades dropped so far in the second quarter.

i went to new york city with all of my best friends to sing.
i got to see times square in all its beauty.

i almost lost everything that i love and care about.
i did lose everything that i love and care about.

every year.
every fucking year,
i think and say 'this'll be my year. everything is gonna change.'
and every year, nothing changes.

this year, i fucked up so bad.
my grades dropped so far that my parents took me out of everything. choir, the play, everything.
i'm still on punishment because they don't trust or have faith in me and that i'll keep my grades up for the rest of the year.

to be honest, i don't blame them.
i've fucked up for the past four years i've been in this neighborhood.
this wasn't a one time thing that just started.
this has been going on for years.

i don't even believe in myself anymore.
sixteen years old and still a fucking failure.
i haven't done anything worthwhile. 
and i probably never will.

i'm tired of coming home to my mom yelling at me because i messed up.
i'm tired of going to school and getting talked about and messed with.

i'm tired of hearing people talk about me behind my back.
i'm tired of disappointing not only my parents but my grandparents and aunts and uncle.
i'm tired of never being able to be the best.
i'm tired of never being anyone's first choice.
i'm tired of feeling left out when my friends are together.
i'm tired of never belonging.
i'm tired of crying almost every fucking night.
i'm tired of bringing everyone down with my bullshit.
i'm tired of setting a horrible example for my siblings.
i'm tired of ruining things that could have been fun because i was sad.
i'm tired of being such a pathetic loser.
i'm tired of always standing out.
i'm tired of hurting everybody that's around me.
i'm tired of my insecurities.
i'm tired of pursuing a dream that's probably never going to come true.
i'm tired of people telling me to be strong.
i'm tired of people telling me to keep going.
i'm tired of trying to bottle up everything.
i'm tired of pretending like everything is fine when its not.
i'm tired of this life.
i'm tired of living.

i'm so fucking tired.
welcome to 2020.