Im sick of the the fighting and name calling. Words like slob,brat,fatass,lazy,bitch,cunt,asshole,slut,cheater. My so called husband thinks I'm all those things when he doesn't get what he wants. If i say no to sex or cuddles he starts a fight and then blames it on me. When he called me a fatass i punched him. He made fun of my dissociative identity disorder. And doesn't respect my wish to wait for a baby. I wanna wait till I'm 25 but he started bitching and arguing so i changed it to 22 to make him happy. But its not good enough for him. I love him but he always accuses me of using him for a place to live. I hate germs and being sick or around someone who is sick. He gets mad when I won't take care of him. He gets mad when I won't let him take care of me. im hurting and I can't stop it. No one knows how to help me. Everyone is slowly leaving me to fight on my own
this is her suicide note
dear family and friend
I have been thinking of this for quite a while.I realized this.Right now, nothing seems possible for me.Every time, I try to gain something good for the benefit of others as well as myself. I always fail. Whenever I try to make things up and hopefully be loved again by a certain person, I just miserably fail. (And don't give me that oh I'm just trying to get attention) All I'm doing is I'm trying to say something out of truth in hopes that someone may read and know what happened here. but I don't care if that never happens... It's not like I expected anyone to give a flip about a 19-year-old hopeless and unloved wretch like myself. I've tried to fight off this so-called "depression" and failed miserably. On top of that, my best friend doesn't want to even be friends with me. Then it turned upside down,he said that our relationship was destructive, and that I never cared and only wanted to talk on. that really tore down my self-esteem. Then I've been in a bad relationship that was on and off and peaceful than a civil war the next. It continued on that pattern for God knows how long. I eventually started being convinced that I always meant to be the one at the fucking bottom. always the bad guy. I was when I had done no wrong. I was always the social joke to him and some of his friends too Always misunderstood. Can't you see that I tried to make peace!?Then I was being hunted by some psycho bitch, but luckily she never found me, but now I wish she did and that she killed me. Shit. Anyways, so as the relationship continued, it got worse. I was criticized harshly at almost every turn and moment, shunned, and even avoided. So I thought to myself. "What the hell does it matter if I did any good? It wouldn't make any difference. It will all be just the same. I'll always be at the fucking bottom of the system." So I decided to escape from all kinds of things, relationship included and flirting here and there.I just felt so trapped and alone that I felt I had to do those things in order to be loved and accepted somewhere. It worked for a while. and I have been doing that shit in my past relationships for a few times now.his trust was all lost. But what could I fucking do!? I was trapped in a system where I never belonged anyway, so what was the point to do good if it never paid the hell off? I have been fighting depression for quite a while now.After a heated and saddened talk of me trying to explain myself and trying to apologize and fiind a way to make it up to him, he seemed so cold that I felt despair so I told him I would kill myself cause there was no chance at all I would ever be loved or trusted ever again or accepted back cause I was the "bad guy", the loser. Eventually, though, he just switched to saying things were gonna be okay and there would always be chances. What a way to deceive me into thinking I could make peace with you.I just went back to my good old self before all this happened and I tried to be as good as I could, to find some way to make it up to you and gain forgiveness and trust back as it is sacred... But as time wore on and I used all the time and opportunity to show I changed and moved on... You never would seem to let it go... That's when I realized that I, in turn, was still going to be the person I never wanted to be. The bad guy, the crook, the social joke, the lowest of the low, scum... he would probably even hold this against me forever I thought with no hope in sight.I never freaking wanted to... All I wanted was to love, play, be happy, live out my life and dreams... Not any of this! I had good dreams and goals too, I wanted to be a vet or to work with kids. I guess I'm not going to be good enough to reach those either. I messed up too much and made too many mistakes to have my life any good at all. I don't have a wonderful life, I have a terrible life. And all this will probably continue for the rest of my life and I'll never be forgiven and loved. be in this prison for the rest of my life.So I figured, kwhat's the point to go on then. I have already messed everything up.Why should I still live like this? I'll never be accepted back by anyone cause all those negative people were right.I was going to lose and now I have.l also talked about in that one relationship and he gets to live the life I now miss and will never have again: plenty of friends, an internet star, a social star, a fucking superpower, a new and better girlfriend and lover than I could ever be in his life, a great comfy cool room, all kinds of gadgets, on the top of the pile, the fucking top for god's sakes! She is always loved and adored and always has everything anyone could ever want, a great new lover, new gadgets and shit, all kinds of friends and popularity more than I could ever have, and a room that always feels warm with company. While I myself always feel the coldness in my room. I always shiver from the cold and loneliness, I barely have any good gadgets, let alone even good people and friends (i only have a handful), I now seem to have no lover or significant other to have and cuddle and love and turn to, I feel very lonely, I'm rarely ever popular with so many people, and I'm always seeming to be looked down on as the bottom of the food chain even! I'm always the bad guy in every case I get involved in and I NEVER WIN! *sobs* And the same stuff such as the avoiding, constant harsh criticism, and everything is coming back and may even get worse than before, the rejection and the loneliness, the despair. everything. And it will never end. all this will be my whole life with no end.nothing bright. no light at the end of the fucking tunnel. Only guilt, shame, regret, and defeat and bitterness. the upper class (such as her) fucking won. big whoops and cheers for them! they are always the good fucking guys while I and people like myself are the bad guys that always fucking lose. Now I know how losers of war feel; they feel angry, bitter, resentful, regretful, guilty, shameful and like total shit at the bottom. And so I realized this: the fucking good life and victory, I envisioned and had are now gone. never to return. I lost because of my goddamn failures and faults and now I can never get back up and win ever. I let them, the evil and the upper class people like him win over and have everything they deserve and desire while I got fucking nothing and squat.I am poor and with nothing while they get everything. Those winners get to write history. So there! I admitted the goddamn truth! I am a loser and the bad guy and I fucking lost to you and all of you other upper-class people while you guys won! YOU PEOPLE WON THE FUCKING WAR WHILE ME AND OTHERS LIKE MYSELF WHO STRUGGLE LOST AND SUFFER HELLISHLY!!! HAPPY NOW!!!? HAPPY NOW THAT YOU REDUCED MY LIFE TO NOTHING AND TOTAL SUFFERING TOO as well as MYSELF!? YOU always get everything you want and everybody likes you while me and the others like myself I find are rejected and hated by so many though we try so damn HARD! You don't even have to work for it! You think this is suicide and just some god damn whiny shit!? I say this is war and I have ALREADY FUCKING LOST. You think you know true suffering and hell while you sleep in your constant warm bed and everything you have, what do you FUCKING KNOW about it all? nothing, bullshit! so don't say I'm being a fucking whiner, bastard, jerk, child for this, I don't want to hear it!! So I'm tired of living like this like there's always something bad with me, I'm always the bad guy and the loser, the backstabber, the lying guy, whiner, an outcast!! I don't give a shit anymore and just want to die and be put out of my misery! YOU FUCKING WON AND DEFEATED ME AND MADE ME THE BAD GUY AND LOSER LIKE I AM FOR ALL THOSE TIMES AND THINGS BAD I DID TO YOU AND REPLACED ME SO BE FUCKING HAPPY THAT I LOST AND YOU'RE THE WINNER AND THAT IM GOING TO DIE! I DONT WANT TO BE JUDGED SO DONT FUCKING JUDGE ME! YOU'RE THE WINNER, IM THE LOSER! YOU DONT WANT ME AROUND ANYMORE SO i'M GRANTING YOUR WINNER'S REQUEST AND DESIRE!It's bad enough I have to go through with this.I'll never be good enough and I'll always lose while he'll have everything and everyone and will never share it with ever again so I'm going to accept my fate :cries: If I hurt anyone with this. I'm sorry.I'm sorry like so much that heart could burst now. I love you all with my heart and never will want to make you all hurt at what I'm going to do. thanks to my family first. Mom, this was never your fault it was dad's, you mom are awesome and always did your best to protect me too and for this, I'm very sorry. the same goes for all my DeviantArt friends and family and my other friends and such like my school, neighbors, and facebook friends, etc. I WAS NEVER EVER SMART, FUNNY, SEXY, GOOD LOOKING, ATTRACTIVE, LOVABLE, FRIENDLY, ANYTHING LIKE THAT TO HER OR ANYONE ELSE. :'( :depressed: I am unforgivable. WELL, I LOVE YOU ALL VERY MUCH AND IM SORRY FOR EVERYTHING. BUT THIS IS THE ONLY WAY. I CAN'T WIN LET ALONE MAKE IT RIGHT BY LIVING THIS WAY ANYMORE. GOODBYE, AND I LOVE YOU ALL WITH MY HEART. INCLUDING <333 EVERYONE I LOVE YOU AND IM SORRY... GOODBYE FOREVER. I HOPE YOU GUYS WILL UNDERSTAND AS YOU LOOK AT MY GRAVE. GOODBYE FOREVER INTO DEATH.Please refrain from any type of sorrow, If you feel like crying save the tears for tomorrow.I made the decision to end my life for no particular reasonNone at all, I just got tired of living.That's all.Life lost its flavor to me,everything started looking so bland.It felt so pointless living in a world smeared with bullshitEverywhere I walked I'd be steppin' in it.I feel that for myself death will be better than life,suffocation better than breath..I'm just tired of being ethical in a completely unethical world.I'm tired of being told to take the straight pathwhen I'm the most crooked person I know.I no longer want to live in a world where I'm afraid to love who I choose to love.I'm no longer interested in a world where a war of skin color is a bigger battle then WWI and WWII put together.I refuse to live in a world where trees are illegal and cigarettes aren't--An herbal essense versus a pile of toxic shit. I refuse to live in a world where the president's oral recreation is abigger deal than the poverty laying less than 420 ft. from the white house itself.A world where millions & millions of dollars are shredded on a daily basis-now tell me what kind of sense does that make?A world where hate has become the basis for living, a place where happiness no longer exists. I can no longer live to die. I'd rather just not live at all With death, I'm looking for a sounder way of living be glad for me because I am no longer suffering- Be glad for me I have found complete peace by now. Live on and live strong Let bravery stand across your chest since it missed mine.Wipe your tears, I'm dead, it's over. I have no fear.
she left her suicide note as a goodbye
my name is rose and im her best friend..😭
