A Journey To Motherhood (working title)

Chapter 1

Something felt off.

The room was still dark when I woke up. Still groggy from waking up abruptly and knowing I had to go to work. Moving out of the bed while trying to not disturb my sleeping husband, that "off" feeling was still there. I felt it in my gut. I felt sad. I wasn't sure why though.

Between my legs felt wet, my heart skipped a beat but I tried to reassure myself. The doctor said spotting was normal. So I kept my walk to the restroom to start my morning routine. But then right as I got to the restroom I felt something trickle down my leg.

Did I just pee? No....I don't think so?

Off. Still felt off. It was still dark. I looked down and couldn't see anything. I finally got to the light and switched it on.

There. There it was. The trickle was red. Bright, kind of dark, red. A piece of...something at the end of the trail. My heart sunk. My eyes welled up. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe I'll call the doctor again and she'll tell me its normal again. I keep getting on her nerves I'm sure, but I just want to be sure he's ok.

He. I gave him the "he," I couldn't call him "it." I didn't know what he was yet. But I thought he was going to be a he. I smiled at the brief flashback of telling a friend that I thought I was baking a baby boy. Was quickly brought back by feeling another trickle go down my leg.

My heart started beating faster, my eyes welled up more. These damn hormones. I hated crying this much. But my husband made it sound so cute, "an adorable crybaby" he would say. "Babe...." I said out loud. No response. "Babe...!" I called out a bit louder, to see if he'd hear. He finally woke up, "what, what happened?" He heard the alarm in my voice. I showed him my leg, "Should I call the doctor? Am I overreacting?? I keep bugging her but I don't know I'm starting to hurt." I feel cramps start to settle in. My husband walks me to the toilet and sits me down

I sit on the toilet and wipe myself. I look at the paper. Red. Wipe again. More red. Wipe again. More red. It's not stopping.

The doctor said to call her if the wiping doesn't go away. "I think I should call the doctor, what do you think?" "I think its fine, at best she'll confirm with you if everything's ok," he replies comfortingly.

So I call her. I tell her everything. I called her recently already to confirm that my spotting was normal. She always answered with a yes. But today, after I told her it went down my leg and the wiping, she said very clearly, "If it's flowing that far and its not going away after a few wipes you should go to the hospital."

My heart. It felt like it sunk and then shot up to my throat and then went back down to the very forefront of my ribcage. There, it thunked loudly. I felt and heard it. My head swam a bit, followed by another cramp. "Ok, thank you, I'll do that now," I politely replied and hung up. I told my husband the news. His face went a little pale, but then went to quickly reassure me, "well, the hospital will probably be able to do something if it's a worst case scenario." I nodded with tears at the very edges of my eyes. I was trying not to cry. I was trying not to panic. "Don't manifest things you don't wanna have happen!" people would tell me. I was trying to believe it in that moment. Even though inside I wanted to cry and scream.

PLEASE. UNIVERSE. DON'T TAKE MY BABY. I'VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG. PLEASE. PLEASE.

He was right. The hospital, the emergency room, they will know what to do. I put a pad on and get dressed. Take my time putting on my makeup and my business casuals. Occasionally having to stop to crumple at the next wave of cramping and pain, only to get right back up and keep moving forward.

I don't really want people to know what I'm feeling. It's too painful. I don't want to feel what I'm feeling. Outside I look put together enough. If I'm not crumpled, people wouldn't even know the morning I had.

Good. They don't need a Debbie-downer this morning anyway.

I had just taken the day off to work from home the day before in an attempt to maintain my well being with the baby. Was cramping and spotting and nauseous and thought that maybe what I needed was to not move around as much. Because of that I felt it necessary to tell my boss in person that I needed to go to the hospital. I still was trying to keep up the whole, good worker thing.

All the while inside, I wanted to scream and cry. My core hurt, my heart hurt, it felt like my baby was hurting and all I wanted was for him to feel better.

But no, first, do your due diligence. I hadn't told her I was pregnant yet. I was only 9 weeks and she had been traveling anyway so we hadn't seen each other in a while. I quickly break her the news, both good and bad, and she hurriedly sends me off to go to the hospital.

I google the nearest hospital, it points me to a medical center nearby. As I'm driving I wonder if I should have asked someone to drive me. But shooed the thought from my head. Everything is going to be fine I think. I hope. No one will need to be burdened with this. My head's swimming, but I'm fine. I'm screaming occasionally in the car. But I'm fine. I'm gonna be fine. IT'S. FINE.

I miraculously find parking quickly. Almost unheard of in any medical center. I take it as a sign from the universe. Maybe everything IS gonna be ok. I almost believe it. And then I pretend that I do.

I'm struggling to walk straight and find a front desk and ask someone to take me to the emergency room. A lovely nurse pulls out a wheelchair in seeing me in pain and graciously takes me down.

Mitch texts me that he's on his way to the ER, I'm surprised, I know how crazy work can be. My heart swells loving how he was able to make the world move for me. I ache for him to get here soon. I just want some comfort right now.

I'm hugging my stomach, thinking maybe that'll help ease my pain, his pain, our pain, while I fill out the paperwork. I answer all their questions as politely as I can while I'm dealing with this pain. I can feel myself getting annoyed at all the questions but quickly breathe to let it go. They're doing their job. And they're being so great. Don't be a bitch, it's unnecessary. We're all just trying to make it through another day.

They complete their intake process and I go back out to the waiting room. Mitch, my husband, has finally arrived and makes a beeline to me. I feel relief in the midst of this pain. He sits next to me and hugs my balled up form. I close my eyes and say a quick prayer. And now together. We wait.