A Journey To Motherhood (working title)

Chapter 3

The day before

The cramping was returned but I was trying to ignore it. It's been a few days of this. I called the doctor almost daily. I was cramping. There was pink spotting. The routine was always the same. A call, a detailed description of the wiping I saw, a detailed description of my physical sensations. She'd tell me the same thing each time: This is normal. This is fine. You're ok. Call if it doesn't go away after 2 or 3 wipes.

Each morning I wake up and when I see the red on the toilet paper my heart pounds. Is he ok? Am I ok? Is there something wrong with me? Is he going to make it? Am I?

My mind immediately went to all the horror stories I heard around pregnancy. Miscarriages. Births near death. Traumatic and difficult pregnancies. Then it would go to all the "advice" I got from the few people who knew I was pregnant. Should I do what she said? Am I really doing this all wrong? Should I stop trusting Western medicine? Am I not trusting Western medicine enough? Should I stop doing anything ever? Should I just quit my job and focus on growing this baby?

My eyes well up as these thoughts run through my head. I try to shake it off. I cry at the drop of a hat nowadays. This is nothing new. These emotions are nothing new. They did say that pregnancy makes you emotional. Makes you cry easily. It can make you anxious. This is fine and this is normal.

But OH MY GOD I wish I could get a break! Every day someone new would tell me another thing that could possibly go wrong with my pregnancy. Every day someone else gave me another passively judgemental comment about how I'm living my pregnancy.

"Oh you're still working? ......hm.....that's too bad"

"Oh you're still exercising? Are you sure that's safe? ....I guess that's fine"

"Oh you're eating THAT? I mean, I guess indulging while pregnancy is normal"

Every time I heard a comment I just wanted to scream. I was nervous enough as is. I wanted my pregnancy to go as well as possible. I tried focusing on the encouraging comments I got instead.

"Do what you can. Listen to your body. It'll tell you what you need"

"Relax, there are SO many different types of people and so many different types of pregnancies. There's no magic formula. Do what you feel is best for you."

So I did. I got more sleep. I got more rest. I lowered my workouts to 2-3 times a week for about 30 minutes a day. I ate more fruit and leafy greens. Indulged in the occasional pizza craving. I cried at home whenever I saw a puppy being rescued in a video on facebook. I went to work and tried to not let my fatigue make me fall asleep at my desk.

Some days were easier than others. Some days I felt like everything was fine. Some days I panicked in the restroom and fervently prayed to God and the Universe to give me a healthy pregnancy and casually walk out back to my desk as if I didn't just have an anxiety attack in the restroom.

However, one day I woke up, and something in my gut told me to work from home that day. I don't know what it was, I don't know why it happened. All I knew was that the instinct was strong, and it told me to stay at home, and move as little as possible.

I sent a quick text to my boss, let her know I wasn't feeling well and needed to work from home. She sent me an encouraging confirmation to do so, complete with her well wishes. I smiled in appreciation and moved to the couch with a blanket and my laptop. I set myself up to move as little as possible and proceeded to go to work.

The rest of the day goes by relatively uneventful, along with the occasional cramping. But I'm happy I listened to my body. I felt proud of doing what I was supposed to do. Look, see? You're doing great. The baby said to stay home, so you did. You took care of yourself. That's what you're supposed to do when you're pregnant. Good job.

The end of the workday came and I closed my laptop contentedly. Happy with being productive while also taking care of myself. I felt the fatigue kick in again and knew it was time for another nap until the husband came home.

And that day, was the last full day of my pregnancy.