RETROGRADE; minsung ✓

❯ 𝟷𝟺

📟

42 people.

i've already killed 42 people.

that was the torture my fifteen year old self dreaded alone for the past few months. they got worse, i got worse, i couldn't do anything about it. i hated myself.

more than that, i was alone, but still desperate for someone to hold me.

i was mad, but still chose to get lost in my insanity.

because i was already shattering but has none other choice than to fight.
is this how life's going to go on for me?

keep fighting minho, soyeon believes in you, and you have to do the same.
i had to tell myself again and again but it was difficult, it felt like i was lost and alone, i had no one.

not even seonghwa.

he was never there, i didn't know if he cared or not.
i distanced myself from the world, it felt like everything will keep the poisonious words in my head raging and it's killing me from the inside.

i was anxious, angry and insane. i was beyond from help and i know it.

i just needed someone to accept me, but after all the things they made me do, i don't think anyone can if they find out how terrible i am.

they locked me up, trained me, poisoned me, turned me into a monster.
i had no other choice but to obey, i was a beast on the outside, but a coward inside.

i was coward to escape, to disobey.
because i was afraid of what waits in the world out there if i tried to.
what they will do to me if i tried to.

so i stayed here.

destroying myself.

waiting for soyeon to save me like the old times, but i don't have her anymore. i have to do this alone, but it's so exhausting.

"minho?"

"go away seonghwa..."

i told him as i kept my head between my knees, he looked at me from the small window in my locked prison.
"minho please..... i—"

"seonghwa! get back to your room!"

seonghwa and i locked eyes and he gave in with a sigh, his eyes near to crying which made me upset.
"i really loved you minho...."
he said quietly but enough for me to hear, he smiled small but sweetly before he was taken away by the guards.
"you were.... and still are... a really good person...."
he said lastly.

i heard someone knock and saw namjoon hyung enter the room, i was glad i still had him, he always understood me.
"minho are you doing well?"

"yes hyung."
i lied like i did everyday.
"just tired, what's wrong?"

"they want you out, you know...."

"ahhhh...."
i said, i already knew.

"okay, i'll be there in a bit."