Emo chap...
D i a n a
Visiting New Zealand together was written in our bucket list.
We were finally here yet I couldn't cross it out of our list... I guess taking two different seats on our flight was just never part of the plan.
Today, today was yellow.
It wasn't raining, the sun was actually shinning with glee: Too bright almost as if it was mocking me how it could be brighter than anything even without her shine.
I hated the sun for that, just... How could this world celebrate this day?
This day should be blue and not yellow.
The silence was broken by her mother's heart-wrenching sob as her body racked with so much sorrow. It was too heartbreaking to witness and like a rock dropped in a quiet pond leaving ripples behind, everyone around her echoed her cries.
Of course, she's a mother, and her cries were a poignant reminder of what we had attended.
People must have felt her anguish,
I... I felt none.
It'd been days na rin since that tragic night happened, and that was the last time that I saw her.
Who would've loved to see their ball of sunshine encased in a box?
She loved tossing and turning in her sleep pa naman.
Yes. I'd been refusing to go here and rather spent my days locked in some hotel room to binge drink because I couldn't drag myself to face this uninvited reality.
But that was just me being a coward. I should be brave for her. I realized na malulungkot lang sya pag hindi ako naka-punta and I couldn't let that happen. Not again, not this time.
Kiara stood clutching the pink rose that she especially bought for her. It was my first time seeing Kiara this devastated. It must have been very traumatic for her, for all of us. Because we were there pero wala kaming nagawa.
I heard Kiara sharing some funny memories to her, ironically, she was crying for the lack of response from my sleeping love. Franki had always been the first one to chuckle at the first word of every damn joke.
Behind Kiara was Gino. He seemed to forgot his formalities as he let his tears down with his snot, Franki was a good friend to him after all.
Argel was staring off at nothing with Wealand beside him: the youngest of us who was known for always seeing the positive in every storm--- was sitting like a whimpering puppy with his tail between his legs now.
"Diana," Mae called me out.
It was my turn now.
I clutched the lilies closed to my heart, walked to her with my heavy feet as I kept my eyes on her; just like how I used to walk towards her when she was waiting for me in our favorite coffee shop, yet the absence of her smile intensified the presence of my anguish.
And here, I thought I was already numb but when I saw her face...
Damn, she was too beautiful.
The lilies slipped from my hands as the pain came crashing down on me.
"Hi, l-love." I smiled, I tried to because she told me how she loved my smile. "How have you been?" My trembling hand traced her eyebrows through the glass. "I missed you s-so much."
My tears dropped and stained the glass between us, I hate my tears and this glass so much, I just wanted to see her but I was such a fucking stupid
"I'm sorry. I-I'm sorry. I'm s--so sorry love." I hurriedly cleared it with the sleeve of her white hoodie that I was wearing.
I was wrong when I said I felt none. I was feeling too much.
This fucking hurt so much because I managed to clear the glass and so I also saw the reality that I'd been trying not to see.
It finally sank in. She wasn't just sleeping and I wasn't here to kiss her goodnight. This is a final goodbye.
My legs wobbled. I felt the soft lilies crashed when I dropped to my knees, if I wasn't holding onto her, I would be laying on the ground.
Tsk. Hanggang sa huli sya parin talaga ang nagpapalakas sakin.
Bakit lagi nalang sya ang napapahamak? Wala syang ibang ginawa kundi ang magbigay pero bakit ang damot damot ng mundo sa kanya? At bakit... Bakit ko sya tinalikuran nung kailangan nya ako?
Lahat ng tanong ko, masagot man, wala ng saysay.
Wala na.
At sa huling pagkakataon, wala akong ibang naibigay sakanya kundi ang mga durog na bulaklak.
•••
6
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Nabura yung drafts ko kaya ngayon lang nakapag ud, 😭 I'll make bawi nalang.
-Bella
