Goodbye Letters

James Rogers

James,

My baby. I know you can’t read this right now but if one day when you are older, you need the comfort of your mother, this letter is always gonna be there for you.

As I’m going to be too.

Maybe I can’t be there physically but I’m always going to be in your life. I will be your guardian angel my little boy. I will always protect you.

You probably don’t understand why I’m not with you and your dad but I needed to save you. To save our family. Your mother did this for our family.

I know it’s going to be difficult. But you have wonderful people that will always look out for you. You have aunts and uncles that will give you the world, my baby.

You are my miracle James, the best thing that ever happened in my life. Don't ever doubt that.

The one that made me believe in the good of the world again. In the good things.

That’s what I did what I had to do. I couldn’t pass the opportunity for families to be back. I couldn't leave so many childrens alone. So many people suffering because of someone selfish.

When I found out about you I cried a lot. I cried because I couldn’t believe that this could be happening to me. That I was going to be a mother. That I was going to bring a human life to this world.
I didn't think I deserved it. I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of being someone's mother.

I couldn't believe that I would have the chance of feeling you inside me for nine months. Of being the one who protected you.

I loved you since that day. I took care of you since that day. My heart was full and I couldn’t wait to see your face.

How you would turn out to be. How much would you look like your dad or like me. I was already daydreaming about a little Steve running around or sleeping in my arms.

I was already dying of love for you.

But when you were born, all that things that I had imagined weren’t even a little close to what I really felt.

I burst out of love for you.

For that little face looking at me. Your little fingers that were wrapped around my hand. You were looking at me like if I was something wonderful.

And I was whipped for you.

You were the most amazing thing in the world. You, the one that I had carried in my womb for nine months. The one who weeks before was giving kicks at night. The one who would move when I sang to you. And you were a part of me.

You gave me the honor of being your mother. I can’t be more proud of anything. Since that moment I didn't need anything else from life. I had you and that was everything for me.

When I held you that first night in my arms, I thought that maybe I was dreaming. But you were there. And as you were sleeping I looked at you and I couldn’t imagine my life without you. Without that baby that I carried with fear that I might break you.

You changed everything my boy. You made me so happy that right now I feel fulfilled because I had the chance of spending this four years with you. By your side.
When you couldn’t sleep because you were hungry. When you pronounced your first word. When you learn to walk. When you call me mommy for the first time. God, that day I feel like I could explode of happiness. All because of you.

I would have never feel that kind of love. That kind of connection, so different that I felt with everyone else.

My love for you was something so scary, so new, yet so perfect that I have no words yet to let you know what is like.

James, my heart is full. Because I had the chance to kiss you. To hug you. To love you.

You are my world James.

And I know I’m not going to be there for so many of your first times. And it hurts me. It kills me knowing that I'm not going to be there with you, my boy.

But at least I had the chance of being there for you this four years. These years were a miracle. The best years of my life. A gift from life. A way to learn that there is more that pain in the world. That there's magic. That there's love.
That there's a chance of happiness.

You are my light little one. You will always be my light. And I’m always gonna be yours. Through our family. Through your dad. Through your heart that will always be connected with mine.

Always.

You can talk to me whenever you need darling. I’m going to be there. Don’t ever doubt that. I’m your mother and I will take you with me wherever I’ll go.

You are a part of me.

If you need to take a time in the night to look at the stars. You will find me. And I will find you. I will always find you. I'm your guardian angel, baby.

I'm going to protect you and love you always. My love for you is never fading.

Never, kid.

My love for you goes through everything and everyone. No one is going to change that.

Love you my son. My baby boy. My little miracle.

My heart belongs to you.

Love,

Your mommy.