Dawn Of War (Authors Games)

Task 3 Notes

Alice Humphrey:

Pros:
-pretty nice description of Ezra's hair
-your description of he blasts being almost numbing to the senses is pretty cool and well written. You get a real sense of being overwhelmed.
-"This must be the freckles idiot."
- I'm liking Cameron's sense of urgency where he's not keen on wasting time with words
- The comradery of the team is very well written with Mark making sure she's okay and Cameron being worried, etc.
- liked your description of my baby girl Thalia and the decision Julia makes in that moment of "hey we should help." It's the exact kind of rational but irrational decision someone would make in a situation like that.
- I like how you had Alice sort of draw power and inspiration from Thalia because that's what leaders are supposed to do.

Cons:
-"Somehow she'd ever been convinced Julia, Mark, and Cameron to join her in setting up a barricade with Thalia as their leader. Now they stood around heat rolling off their bodies." This section was very confusing and muddled. Hard to follow or understand the exact train of thought.
- Alice's sudden aside about Ezra's hair and wanting to braid it seemed out of place
- "Opening her eyes again she squinted her eyes." You repeat eyes a lot in a sentence to clarify but it's not needed. You can just says "opening her eyes and squinting." She can't squint her toes so we'll know what you're talking about I promise.
- In a time of crisis playing with someone's freckles doesn't seem too fitting
- -"She thought about ordering Jen to strip so she could check them."
- Her weapon seemed to change frequently throughout the story. While some of it made sense like taking the spear, other times she has a bow then a sword and back again.
- Who did she stab by the ballista?
- She's not being attacked as she rigs a ballista? Is it unguarded?
- The action seems very repetitive
- "The Thalia" ?

Feyre Azure:

Pros:
-Nice scene with the father comforting his family. It brings back the fact that people other than the heroes are suffering too.
-I'm confused by the interaction with Brett and Nick but at the same time it works with the whole "looked back to Brett. Then to Nick. Then to Brett."
-Boop sneezes
-Captivating paragraph change with Fey just flying through the air
-I liked the line about Fey being used to the smell of blood now

Cons:
-formulating dialogue still needs work
-Not completely understanding or able to follow re interaction with Fey and Nick and Brett or the lead up to Ezra's injury
-the interaction with the dark skinned girl was very short and confusing. The words and emotions seemed all over the place
-Considering Ezra's injuries and Fey's reaction to them it seemed odd for her to be immediately up for combat.
-I was surprised the barricade fell so quickly and without much context

Nicole Dabria:

Pros:
-very nice opening paragraph. Liked the line about nutty kids having a chance to win a war
-Glad Auntie and Cassie are safe.
-Liked the description of both sides being afraid. It brings out the humanity in things and the way you described being nervous is almost exactly how I feel before a race. It's that fight or flight response.
-The way you described Thalia being "tired" is what I like. You took a different route. She was still fierce but you didn't ignore the fact that it's more of a chore to fight instead of an exciting event

Cons:
-minor spelling errors
-Wish I saw more of the battle
-I like the idea of Nic facing adversary because of her powers but it seemed odd that she'd be sort of discriminated because of her powers/heritage after the paragraph saying none of that mattered anymore

Corbin Magpie:

Pros:
-I love grandma Jolene
-The Dream was very cute and I enjoyed it
-the moment before the battle wasn't rushed or drug on. It was perfect in setting the scene
-You wrote a very nice depiction of Corbin on the barricade
-The emotions were well written

Cons:
-I wish that Mychal's perspective had been included from the beginning. It's an interesting take.
-The switching of perspectives almost always interrupts the flow of a story because the reader has to adjust.
-I recommend using italics to signal a dream
-I loved the chapter but it doesn't exactly focus on Corbin. And while I love Mychal, Corbin is the candidate.
-Wished there was more of a moment before Mychal was injured

Joules Tesla:

Pros:
-Interesting opener
-liked the contrast between Hephaestus and Kratos
-Liked the line of "then and only then will I allow him the benefits of my blood."
-I'm liking the bond between Joules and Blair
-The idea of air being "oppressive" is very unique and intriguing

Cons:
-I felt that the sudden boom ruined the moment a little
- His sudden anger directed at Jason seemed misplaced.
- I was hoping for more of a fight, especially with how you built up Joules' character