without you

Chapter 12

Clary's POV

The room was dark. The curtains were closed, so not even the smallest sunray could reach inside. It was exactly like yesterday, and the day before that, although I don't actually remember how long I had been like this. Days? Weeks? Months? Everything was crushed together in a blur. 

Because I had killed him. I had killed Jax. Because of my Stupidity, the demon got him. So it was my fault. Even though we hadn't been in a relationship anymore, I still loved him. I mean for 3 years I had seen him almost every day and now he was just.. gone. 

I feel like I'm drowning in greif and sadness. There's no escape. Times like this, where I can actually think straight, are very rare. Normally I would just lay in my bed staring at the ceiling. Unmoving, although sometimes I would cry. I don't know when the last time I ate was. The problem is,  I feel bad for feeling like this. I mean Noah, my parabatai, lost his brother. His brother. And after all I was the one that had killed him. 

In that moment, a knock on the door ripped me out of my thoughts. 

"Come in." I say and I'm not surprised, how croaky my voice sounds. I woke up every time I fell asleep, screaming, because of another nightmare. 

The door opens and Noah comes in. He looks like shit, but honestly who am I to judge him? I probably don't look better. Tear stained cheeks, messy hair, and I don't remember when the last time I showered was. 

"Can I join you?" he whispers softly. After I nod, he crawls under the covers next to me. He puts an arm around my fragile shoulders and I burry my head in his chest. After a while I hear his soft breathing, lull me to sleep...

We're in the park again, fighting the demon. And again, for a second the light blinds me, and then it happens. I've relived it so many times. The demon rams it's claws into Jax and he falls in slow motion. I hear myself screaming at the sky and begging. Suddenly the scenery changes and we're in a dark room. I'm standing there in a white nightgown covered in blood and then Jax appears. 

"Why?" he whispers, holding his hands to his chest, trying to stop the blood flow.

"I'm sorry, I- I didn't mean to.. I'm sorry Jax!" I say trying to yell to him, trying to help..

"All your fault." he says before he disappears right in front of my eyes. Then Noah is suddenly standing there. He points his finger at me accusingly.

"You killed him. You killed my brother!" He shouts, spit flying from his mouth. 

"I'm so sorry." I sob, tears running down my face and dripping onto the floor. 

"Clary!" 

"Clary!"

"Clary wake up!"

I shoot up straight, before stumbling out of bed and sinking to my knees. I hug my knees and pull them close to my body, rocking back and forth trying to shake of the dream. It was true. They were right. I murdered him, there was blood on my hands and even if I didn't push the "claws" into him, it was my fault. And I feel guilty, for missing him so damn much. Because I know I didn't deserve to grieve. I remembered a quote I had once come across by Fredrik Backman : 

The mightiest power of death is not that it can make people die, but that it can make the people you left behind want to stop living.

And it reminded me of myself. Because I didn't want to live anymore, not with this grief, sadness weighing down, not my shoulders but my heart. But I didn't deserve to die. I deserved to live with this hanging over my head for the rest of my life, because dying is to easy. I deserve the pain and all of the shit that comes with living. 

"Are you ok?" a concerned voice suddenly asks from behind me. I turn around and find myself face to face with Noah. 

"I'm fine." I nod to reassure him, before pulling myself up and walking to the bathroom. 

Inside, I look at myself in the mirror. If I'm going to live like this, I might as well get my shit together so that I can save some people. Maybe, just maybe, then that guilt will shrink? That doesn't matter because I have to help. I mean I killed someone. I should help people and try to make up for that. I know there's nothing out there that can but maybe. 

I peel off the disgusting clothes that I had been wearing since god knows when, and jump into the shower. I scrub my body until it is red and I wash my hair until they're smooth and silky again. Then I brush my teeth and put on my training suit. After tying my hair into a tight ponytail, I walk back into the room, where Noah is still waiting. 

"We've got work to do."